Step Aside Biff & Chip There’s A New Family in Town – CHAPTER 1: The School Morning & The Magic Key

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First, there was Biff and Chip now there’s a new family, say hello to the Buck Family.

Just as Mummy reached out to turn her alarm off, Dippy came in

“Morning Mum” he chirped “would you like a cup of coffee?”.

“Ooh, yes please that would be lovely,” said Mum stretching her gym-toned arms.

Checking the time, she figured she had another 5 minutes before she had to get up.  Sitting up, she picked up her phone to see what was happening in the world.  Checking in on Facebook she giggled at some of her friends’ updates.

Delilah updated her status: Just got Horace’s results straight A*’s again.  His teacher was hilarious, she said ‘did you never tell him the alphabet has more than one letter in it!!! (she meant he only knows A’s).  I love his teacher. 

Social media checked, she leapt out of bed.  Grabbing her new fluffy, pink dressing gown she wrapped herself up and followed the aroma of fresh coffee.

Out in the hall, Daddy Buck was putting his shoes on, ready to go earn a crust.

“Gotta dash” he said and with a quick kiss, he was gone.

How she admired her husband, that man was no shirker she thought as she opened the door into the kitchen.

“Morning my little chick-a-do’s” chirped Mum

“Sit down Mummy your coffees ready,” said Dippy.

“Ooh, thanks love, where’s the fluffy one?”

“Dip’s taken him out for a walk,” said Pippy.

“Bless him” grinned Mummy.  “You know, if I’m honest I didn’t think Dip-Jnr would stick to his promise.  Boy has he proven me.  He hasn’t missed a single walk with Rigby yet, come hell or high water”.

Sipping her coffee Mummy glanced round the room.  Blessed was an understatement when it came to her model children, she couldn’t begin to imagine what it must be like to have kids who never listened, either preoccupied on their phones or constantly arguing over nothing. Just the thought of it sent a cold shiver down her spine.

Only yesterday Mavis was crying on Mummy Bucks shoulder about her daily struggle with her kids.

Mummy Buck could only liken it to a nightmare of all nightmares.  She felt sorry for Mavis if she was honest though, she did find her a little….……well a bit soft.  Daddy Buck said she’s ‘wet behind the ears’.  None-the-less she didn’t deserve that kind of stress and agg’.

It was hard, but Mummy Buck managed to feign genuine sympathy. It was hard but she was trying hard not to be one of ‘those mums’ who always cast a disapproving eye.  Only last week there was an incident between two mums.  The story goes that one of them gave the other child a can of coke and let him play Call of Duty on a playdate.  There was murder apparently, as the boy came home and spent the evening burping.  He was full of wind.  His parents were disgusted.

Mummy Buck giggled to herself, she wondered what they would say if she told them they had Call of Duty at home? She knows they would immediately assume it to be the game not the name for their  ‘housework rota’.  

“Turn the telly up a minute, please Dip-Jnr” asked Mummy.  The breakfast news was highlighting the alarming increase of children going to school without eating a proper breakfast.

They went on to say some children were turning up at school having eaten nothing more than a biscuit or a packet of Quavers.

God how awful, thought Mummy.

“Did you hear that?  Those poor kids going to school with nothing more than a packet of quavers for breakfast, where’s the nutrition in that?  One of the mums in question was giving her side of the story “look at her” Mummy raged “sitting there all smug like defending Quavers, does the woman have no shame”?

“I know it’s shocking Mummy, I heard it earlier on the 6 o’clock news,” said Dippy “don’t go concerning yourself with it you’ll end up with a worry wart,” he said.

“I know………………you’re right,” said Mummy.

“I’ll cheer you up.  What would you like on your pancakes this morning, syrup or fruit topping?”

“Ooh…well…I know I should say fruit but bugger it I’ll have syrup and don’t be shy with it” giggled Mummy “I’ll run it off later”.

Mummy couldn’t help but swell with pride watching as Dippy weighed out the ingredients, like a true professional.   She was in awe of him, watching as he whisked away without so much as a mess around him.  The kitchen seemed his natural habitat.

All those weekends spent in the kitchen had paid off, that Mr. Oliver was right, it had been fun, all parents should do it.  If it hadn’t been for that Mr. Oliver she may never have experienced that wonder.

Fighting back tears, she thought back to all the times they spent in the kitchen bonding over a mixing bowl.  How they cried with laughter when eggs fell on the floor and flour went everywhere.

Dippy used to love writing ‘dippy was ‘ere’ in the flour.  How proud Mummy felt when that photo went viral.  I mean, who would have thought it would end up as a meme, not that Mummy Buck wasn’t really sure what a meme was.

She started laughing……..

“What’s so funny?” asked Dippy.

“Oh, nothing” grinned Mummy “just thinking of old times”.

She felt sorry for some of the mums at the school gates, their confused expressions when she fondly recalled these times.  Most of them had only attempted it once!

“How’s your coffee mummy,” asked Dippy.

“Lovely and hot,” said mummy both hands, hugging her ‘No.1 Mum’ Mug.

“You okay Pippy, you’re very quiet this morning?” she quizzed.

“Yeah, fine Mummy just a bit breathless from running upstairs to get my clothes.  I can’t seem to find my leggings and green top, you know the one I like to wear on a Monday”.

“Errr..let me think….oh yes, they’re in the ironing pile, wait a sec I’ll go get them and run the iron over them for you”.

“Don’t be silly, I’ll do it in a bit” said Pippy.  “It’s my fault, I should have sorted this out last night”.

“Okay, if you’re sure?” asked Mum.

“Of course I am” grinned Pippy.

Pippy started to laugh ”what’s so funny” giggled mum noticing Pippy was actually on her phone for a change.

“Oh; it’s just Hattie, she’s just sent a snapchat of her mummy roaring like a lion at them, apparently she gets soooo stressy in the mornings and its doing Hattie’s head in, she can’t wait to leave home!”.

“Ahhh Poor girl, it can’t be easy for her”.

“I know right…..! I said to Hattie yesterday, thank god my mummy’s not like that”!

“Mind you, saying that, I bet Hattie can be……let’s say….challenging.  Did you hear the way she spoke to her mummy last week when she picked her up?  The poor woman was so embarrassed.  Bet that car journey home wasn’t pleasant”!

“I could never be like that.  I wouldn’t be able to get through my day knowing I’d upset you” said Pippy.

“You’re a good girl, do you know that?” praised Mummy.

“Thanks Mummy” blushed Pippy.

“Right……anyone need help with anything or can I shower and get myself ready?” asked Mum.

“You go shower Mummy, we’re all good,” said Pippy.

Standing in the bathroom Mummy listened to the warm echoes of conversations and laughter through the walls.  The art of conversation was still alive in the Buck house, no devices cutting that dead in the Buck house!

She heard the front door open, Dip-Jnr was back with the fluffy one.

“Everything okay Dip-Jnr?” shouted Mummy.

“Yeah, sweet,” said Dip-Jnr, “he’s done his business, so I’ll give him his breakfast now”.

“Okay,” said Mummy and with that, she jumped into a steaming hot shower popping the lid off her new Jo Malone shower gel.

The thought suddenly struck her, the only dilemma she faced each morning was what the hell to wear.  Chuckling to herself she got out the shower.

5 minutes later…….

Looking through her wardrobe she pulled out her gym gear.  Even though it wasn’t a Gym day, she’d made the decision whilst showering to go for a run after dropping the kids at school.

“Come on my little chick-a-do’s time to brush your teeth and get your uniforms on” chirped Mummy.

“Okay” they all shouted

“I’ll do my teeth first, then get dressed……….I don’t want to get toothpaste down my shirt” laughed Dippy.

Watching them disappear into the bathroom, Mummy marvelled at how similar they were to the Aquafresh family, they really did love brushing their teeth.  She found herself humming the tune as they went in

‘3 in 1 protection for your fammmm-i-ly la-la-la

they certainly didn’t make adverts like they used to, well apart from the JL Xmas one she thought.

“Ooh, you going for a run this morning then Mummy,” asked Pip-Jnr noticing Mummy in her gym gear.   “Yep, thought I might jog in with you to the school gates, then sprint off for a 5-mile run, I really need to get some practice in, not long until I have that marathon”.

“Wow Mummy” gasped Pip-Jnr “you ran 5 miles yesterday, how do you do it? Makes me feel well lazy”.

“No one could accuse you off that Pip-Jnr, let’s be honest, I don’t think playing Netball, squash, tennis as well as gymnastics, martial arts and cheerleading is lazy, do you?”.

“Suppose not” laughed Pip-Jnr.

“Have you seen some of the looks the other mummy’s give you when you jog past them in their cars”? Said Pippy.

“Oh, stop, Pippy I’m sure lots of them run” chuckled Mummy slightly embarrassed.

“Hattie’s mummy doesn’t, Hattie says all she does is stuff her face with chocolate Heros while playing Candy Crush.  Her mum reckons running is for Mums who are obsessional and up themselves!…..Rude eh?”

“Mm, very,” said Mum mentally crossing her off next weeks coffee morning list.

Changing the subject Mummy turned to Dippy “have you got all your homework in your bag?”

“Is the pope catholic?” joked Dippy.

“Good lad, have you got PE today? Mummy asked.

“Yep, I checked my timetable last night.  Bag packed and ready to go ma’am” he said saluting.

Laughing Mummy said  “God, can you imagine if you didn’t check your timetable every evening, you wouldn’t have a clue would you”?

“No,” said Dippy shaking his head.

It’s like that poor woman in the paper last week.  She was appealing nationwide for help in finding her sons lost PE bag!  That’s how desperate she is. My heart went out to her.

“I know, you wonder how he could keep losing bags like that” questioned Dippy “I bet he’s the kind who gets his mum do everything for him!”

“Yep, I think you’re right there Dippy” said Mummy.

“Mummy” shouted Dip-Jnr “my teacher said thanks for paying for the school trip so promptly and getting the form back, she said you were the first mummy to reply, I got a sticker for that”.

“No problem my little cherub you know I would NEVER forget”.

“Ooh, that reminds me, have you put prayer bear in your bag? You don’t want to forget him, do you”? Said Mummy.

“Yes, I put him in there last night.  I can’t wait to show Miss Patience and the class where’s he’s been over the weekend”.

Laughing Mummy said “ I hope they give you enough time to show the photos, narrowing it down to those last 25 was hard but hey we got there in the end.  I still laugh at that photo of you and him at The Fat Duck, you could tell he’d never tried Snail Porridge before.  Makes a refreshing change from his usual park trips he seems accustomed to!”

“You okay Pip-Jnr?” asked Mummy who had just noticed Pip-Jnr standing with her head almost touching the floor.

“Yes Mummy, just trying to put my hair up”.

“Oh, right I see, I can do your hair if you like?”

“Yes, please Mummy, have you got time to braid it?

Glancing at the clock, she realised she didn’t quite have long enough. “Not really, but I can do a fishtail for you if you like?”

“Okay that’s fine,” said Pip-Jnr

“You make it look so easy how do you know how to do it? How come you never get a bump in it?  Asked Pip-Jnr in awe of mums hairdressing skills.

“Well You-Tube is full of great tutorials, once you get the basics, it’s easy” boasted Mummy.

“Susie will be well jealous, she says her mum is useless at doing her hair.  Yesterday the French plait her mummy done started dropping within 10 minutes.  By the time we’d reached the school gate it had completely fallen out.  I tried not to laugh.  She said she wishes her mummy was like you!  Actually, can she come round after school today please?”

“Of course she can leave it with me, I’ll text her mummy after my run later and ask if that’s okay.  What would you like for dinner”?

“Oooh can you make your homemade chicken & leek pie, asparagus and barrel-shaped roast potatoes.  And your super-duper homemade profiteroles with chocolate sauce?”

“Oh, go on then” giggled Mummy.  It melted her heart hearing Pip-Jnr speak like that, it was a total appreciation of her home cooking, in fact, all her kids loved her cooking.

Maybe I will sign up for the new series of MasterChef she thought, God knows Daddy Buck has told me many, many times I should.

Her thoughts were suddenly interrupted “Susie says her mummy needs a new microwave” said Pip-Jnr.

“A new what?” Quizzed Mummy.

“A Microwave, apparently it’s like an oven for Mums who can’t cook or can’t be arsed to cook, well that’s what Susie says”.

“Now, now language” reminded Mummy.

“Sorry Mum” mumbled Pip-Jnr.

“Anyway, I’m sure Susie’s mummy has other talents”.

“I don’t think she has, well Susie’s never mentioned any.  She says it’s easier for her mum to use the microwave because no one eats the same dinners and her mums not dicking about in the kitchen cooking several different dinners just to be wasted.

“Pip-Jnr…..language……please!”

“Sorry Mummy” she whispered.

“Right, are we all nearly ready? Does everyone have their phones?

“Nah, I’m not guna take mine into school today said Dippy, I can’t be bothered with it.  Besides all my mates are at school so who would I be texting?”

“Very true,” said Mummy.  Such a sensible lad she thought.

“I’m going to Hattie’s after school,” said Pippy.

“Oh okay…. Actually, why don’t you ask her if she wants to come here, it’s only fair considering how much time you spend over there”.

“No, it’s fine you have enough kids here without me bringing my friends over all the time,” said Pippy.

“Bless you,” said Mummy “you really are a thoughtful girl”.

Mummy didn’t understand the mummy’s who complained all the time about ‘dreaded teen years’.  She was getting so bored of hearing stories of being surgically attached to their phones, parties, drinking that type of stuff.  In fact, she was starting to feel like an outcast, she just couldn’t relate to any of it.

Mummy……Muuuuuummmy…are you listening?

“what sorry, right………That’s all fine I’ll bring your phone with me later”.

Actually, don’t worry Mummy said Dippy I’m going to go to Homework club after school.  Just put it in my room for later.

“Oh, okay, no problem, I’ll text Daddy later to pick you up on his way home, that way I can crack on with dinner….homemade chicken & leek pie tonight”.

“Mm Lovely” replied Dippy licking his lips.

“Are we all good to go?”

“Yes mummy they all shouted in unison”.

“Oh, hang on I forgot about Rigby gasped Mummy.  That’s the trouble, he’s so quiet and well behaved you literally forget you have him!”.

“You lot go get in the car, I’ll be out in a mo,” she said.

I’m in the front shouted Pippy, yeah, we know said the other 3 in perfect unison.

With that Mummy Buck left Rigby with a big cuddle and his favourite Lamb grill.  She asked Alexa to play Chris Country and followed all her chick-a-do’s out into the car with a warm heart and a big smile.

Just then The Magic Key started glowing it took Mummy back to reality.

What bloody joker set my phone to go off on a Saturday morning? Thought Mummy Buck scrabbling around trying to find the bloody snooze button.

Cursing, she eventually found it.   Ahh, peace……that’s better she thought drifting back off to sleep.

Again it went off.

Reaching out to press snooze she managed to knock the phone onto the floor.  Oh ffs she thought, almost dislocating her arm she managed to retrieve the phone just in time before it woke the rest of the house up.

Pressing snooze she lay back and rolled over.

That side of the bed felt strangely cold, opening one eye she noticed Daddy Buck wasn’t there…..……..fab she thought he probably got up early to take Rigby out for a walk to save me doing it.  What a life saver that man was.  And with that she stretched herself out.

Suddenly, Mummy Buck went cold, a feeling washed over her that it might not be  Saturday.  Thinking hard she tried to make sense of what day it was.  She cried out loud like a wounded animal when it dawned on her it was in fact Monday.  The reason Daddy Buck wasn’t there was because he’d already left to go earn a crumb.

Shiiiiittttt, checking the time it said 7.36, she rubbed her eyes praying her sight was blurred with tiredness, looking again it said 7.37!

Pole vaulting out of bed, she reached out to grab her dressing gown…grabbing an empty hanger instead.  Where the hell is my dressing gown she said out loud, with no time to look she set off running round the house screaming like a banshee for the kids to get out of their pits.

Darting in and out of bedrooms the shouts of “RIGHT EVERYONE OUT, COME ON GET UP” filled the air.

With an eerie silence, she yelled louder GET UUUUUUUUPPPPPPPPP we’re late.

“OMG you mean you’re late” shouted Pippy.

“Mum, I feel sick” groaned Dippy.  Here we bloody go thought Mum.

“Well, that’s strange” hissed Mum “because you were perfectly fine last night sinking your teeth into that double quarter-pounder with extra cheese, I didn’t hear any mention of feeling unwell!

So, get your arse out of that bed you’re going to school” barked Mum.

“You awake Dip-Jnr? Diiippppppp, come on get out of bed we’re LATE.

“WHAAAAAAAT, okay, give me a minute” he murmured sleepily.

“Did you tell Pip-Jnr to get up?” asked Mum as Pippy waltzed down the stairs wearing Mums new fluffy dressing gown.

“YES but as usual she just shouted at me…..god she’s so moody” scowled Pippy “Nice legs Mum I think Dads just bought a new razor if you wanna try it.

Haha very funny, well if I could find MY dressing gown you wouldn’t have to look at my legs, would you? Come to think of it that looks a lot like MY new dressing gown you seem to have mistaken for yours.

With no time to dwell, she decided to tackle the dressing gown issue later.  Racing into the kitchen Mum Buck noticed Daddy Buck hadn’t got her coffee ready.  She made a mental note to tackle him about this later.

“Right cereal or toast? Quick come on, what do you all want”?

“Actually, I want breakfast,” said Pippy.

“Yes, I know you do….and I’ve just given you a choice of that…..…..cereal or toast”?

“That’s not breakfast, Dad cooks us sausages and bacon,” she said not once losing eye contact with her phone.

He bloody would……that marvel of a man thought Mum.

“Think yourselves lucky, what about all those poor starving children in Africa, they would be over the bloody moon with either toast or cereal, they don’t get choices…. They get rice”.

“Err actually Mum that’s not quite true,” said Pip-Jnr “the new boy in my class is from Africa and he’s not starving and he has sandwiches and crisps in his lunchbox, not rice”. Bloody smart arse thought Mum.

“Anyway, never mind all that now, he’s obviously one of the lucky ones,” said Mum.

Shoving the box of wannabe rice krispies on the table, Mum went to yell at Dippy who was still pretending to be sick.

“I bet he hasn’t done his homework” Pippy mocked raising her eyebrows “which is why he’s P-R-E-T-E-N-D-I-N-G to be sick”.

“Don’t be silly,” said Mum knowing he was faking it, but not fuelling Pippy’s fire there!

“Yes, I HAVE done my bloody homework” Dippy bellowed.

“Did you know he got a caution for no homework yesterday?” Pippy shouted.

“SHUT UP Pippy why don’t you mind your own business for once” shouted Dippy.

“Just saying” she mumbled waving her mascara wand in the air.

“Who’s in the toilet?” shouted Pip-Jnr.

“Me,” said Dip-Jnr.

“Well hurry up I need to get in there,” said Pip-Jnr standing crossing her legs.

“Mum  tell him to hurry up, I’m desperate” pleased Pip-Jnr “I bet he’s on your phone in there, which is why he’s taking so long”.

“Have you got my phone in there”? Asked Mum

“Yes, sorry I’m coming out now,” he said.’

“Well HURRY UP then, I can’t be doing with all this constant, bloody whining,” said Mum. “And put my bloody phone back”!

Finally accepting defeat Dippy dragged himself out of bed, pushing past Mum he made his way the front room.

I HATE SCHOOL” he groaned “why do we have to go?”.

“I know it’s hard love, I often find myself asking myself the same thing, especially considering you know everything…….must be SO boring for you!!” quipped Mum sarcastically.

“Did you pay for my school trip?” shouted Dip-Jnr.

“Yes” lied Mum.

“Only my teacher said you haven’t?”

“Oh, did she?” Snarled Mum.

“Well, unless I’m sadly mistaken the closing date for payment is the 23rd today’s the 21st so by my calculations that leaves two days still left to pay!

“Not only that, the form quite clearly states, and I quote ‘VOLUNTARY payment’.  That’s right V-O-L-U-N-T-A-R-Y, ask her later if she knows what that means, in case she doesn’t tell her from me it means ‘optional’ or ‘if you want to’.

So before she starts naming and shaming remind her of this!  In fact, I might tell her myself later, makes my blood boil all this.

Don’t go saying anything to her Mum that would be so embarrassing.

“Well its always the ones who actually DO pay that gets chased, I’ve had enough of it I can tell you” complained Mum.

WHERES’S MY CLOTHES, THEN?” shouted Dippy.

“Right beside you” yelled Mum.  God if he had a brain, he’d be dangerous she thought.

“I can’t believe you, why do you always expect Mum to get your clothes for you, next you’ll be wanting her to wipe your arse for you” snapped Pippy.

“Just leave it Pippy,” said Mum.

Poking her head round the door Mum saw Dippy in the chair playing with his phone. “Errrr I thought I told you to get dressed?” she hissed.

“Alright, alright calm down,  I need to reply to Freddie, he’s asking if there was Maths homework last night”.

“What and he thinks YOU’D know the answer to that”?  The boys a comedian, now get DRESSED” demanded Mum.

“Who’s taken my phone of charge” shouted Pippy?”

Bloody hell someone’s brave thought Mum.

“Me…..sorry” said Pip-Jnr “I thought it was my charger”.

“What with my name all over it! Mum you’ve got to do something about this I’m fed up with her just helping herself to my charger, she does it all the time”.

Wish that was all I had to moan about thought Mum.

“Okay, okay……..Pip-Jnr don’t do it”.

“Is that it?  Is that all you’re guna say to her, bloody hell woman if that was me you’d be having a right go”!

“Don’t speak to me like that” shouted Mum.

“Like what?  I only said…..”

“I know what you said”

“It’s always me isn’t it, what about Dippy he shouts at you all the time and you NEVER tell him off”.

SHUT UP” shouted Dippy from the comfort of his chair.

“Anyway, it’s about time you became less obsessional overcharging your phone, would be nice once in a while if you actually put it down for longer than 5 minutes!.

“At this rate, I’ll have to book you in for it to be surgically removed just so you can upgrade to a newer version”!

“Very funny Mum, anyway you can talk, you’re always on your laptop blogging, even Daddy moans about it”! Argued Pippy.

“I’m sitting in the front today” said Pip-Jnr.

“No, you’re not Pip you know I sit in the front” snarled Pippy.

“It’s not fair you always get to sit in the front” Pip-Jnr howled.

“OMG you’re not arguing about the front seat already”? Said Mum.

“Mum, it’s not fair, I want to sit in the front, she’s ALWAYS in the front”! Shouted Pip-Jnr.

“You can sit in the front on the way home, okay?” promised Mum.

“Not unless I get out of school first” whispered Pippy.

“For god’s sake Pippy why did you have to go and say that for”? Said Mum completely pissed off with it all now.

“MUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUMMMMM tell her”.

“Right someone needs to take Rigby out again, your dad did it before he went off to earn a crumb but he needs a wee now”.

“Well, I’m not doing it,” said Pip-Jnr.

“Nor me, I’m always doing it” said Dip-Jnr.

Err can I just remind you ALL of your promise “please Mum, I promise if we get a dog I will walk him ALL the time, I will, pleeeeaassse I promise” anyone remember that solemn promise? Challenged Mum.

“No… But its not fair,  it’s always me you ask.  The others never do it” Dip-Jnr huffed.

“YES I do,” shouted Pippy “you always say you do……..but you don’t… you’re always on your x-Box”!

“Oh shut up Pippy you NEVER do it” he shouted back at her.

“Okay, okay don’t worry,” said Mum “I’ll ring Adopt a Puppy Hot-Line later, see if they have any spaces for Rigby” snapped Mum.

“Uggghhhhh fine I’ll do it then” stormed Dip-Jnr.

“Can you do my hair”? Asked Pip-Jnr.

“Can’t Pippy do it for you? I don’t have time” pleaded Mum.

“No, she said she hasn’t got time, but she’s just playing on her phone & taking selfies!”

“God, alright I’ll do it, how do you want it”? Mum shrilled.

“Well, I’d like French plaits but of course you can’t do them, can you!!!! So I suppose it will have to be the same old ponytail, why can’t you be like Susies Mum? She’s so good at hair.

“Is she, that’s nice” sneered Mum.  Bloody woman, she thought a real modern day hero!.

“Can Susie come round after school today for dinner?”

“Bit short notice,” said Mum.

“Pleeeeease Mum, you always make excuses…….please”? she begged.

“Okay, I’ll text Wonder Woman later” Mum lied.

“You better Mum, you won’t forget will you”?

“No, I won’t forget” lied Mum.

“And can we not have chicken nuggets please, its soooo embarrassing you cook them every time Susie comes round”.

“Okay well, what about chicken fingers, or chicken burger then? Actually thinking about it I bought you them new Chicken chargrills you like”?

“Liked!! I’ve gone off them now, you gave me them 4 times last week!”

“Can’t you make something instead?  Susies Mum makes all her dinners from scratch.  I had one of her home-made curries last week with homemade nan-bread, it was yummy”.

“Her Mum is funny though, she was going on about jars of ready-made curry sauces, and how they have no place in her cupboards as they’re for lazy arse Mums, the ones that use Microwaves!

“I didn’t dare mention you have them in all different flavours and you use a microwave.  When she asked me if you used them, I was too embarrassed to say yes, so just pretended you felt the same about them.

“So don’t open the cupboard if Susie comes into the kitchen later, okay?”

“Oh right okay…… I suppose they all eat the same dinners as well? said Mum sarcastically.

“Actually yes they do, but that’s because she’s a good cook.   Susie said she saw an application form for the next series of Masterchef on her Mums desk.  Can you imagine you doing that Mum?” said Pip-Jnr laughing hysterically.

“Muuuuummmmmmm come and get Rigby he’s….oww…ouch MUUUUUMMMMMM get him off me….MUM…….he’s biting my toes”.

“For christ’s sake, that bloody dog thought Mum, it’s worse than having a baby”.

“Mum get him will you”.

“Well if you didn’t keep winding him up, he wouldn’t keep biting you.  How many times have I told you this”?

Finally cornering him she grabbed him and carried him off to his bed, as he chewed on her fingers.  Bloody dog she thought as if I don’t have enough to do in the mornings but chase this little sod around.

With that Dippy walked in brushing his teeth.  Oh for Christ’s sake, why are you walking round doing your teeth? You’re going to get toothpaste all over your clean shirt.  And put your bloody phone down! For god’s sake, the world won’t fall apart if you don’t check it for 2 minutes.

“It’s fine he mumbled” as a massive toothpaste bubble fell onto his shirt.

“See what I mean, go on get out of my sight I can’t bear it.  You never bloody listen” said Mum shaking her head.

“Ooooh someone must be on their period”

“Err no, this someone isn’t actually I’m peri-meno ACTUALLY”

“All the same, it makes you moody all the time”

“Susie’s mum isn’t…”

“Oh shut up about bloody Susie’s mum.  I suppose she runs marathons without breaking into a sweat while Daddy waits at the finish line in his Porsche”?

“Actually she does run marathons but her dads just sold his Porsche, he’s getting a new car, an Aston Martin”.

“Can we get a new car”? Pip-Jnr asked.

For once Mum was delighted when Dip-Jnr butted in

“Muuuuummm don’t forget prayer bear”

“Prayer Bear…..?  Oh for Christs sake I’d forgotten about him why didn’t you remind me?”

“I did remind you, you said you would get him out and take a few pics over the weekend.  It’s not my fault it’s yours, now I’ll get into trouble” he said starting to cry.

“Okay, well just write in the book he went to the park and loved it.  The roundabout was his favourite and he spent hours twirling around on it, that will do”.

“But our park doesn’t have a roundabout”!

“Yes I know that, but Miss Patience doesn’t!!

“But that’s lying Mum” whined Dip-Jnr.

“I know but it’s for a good cause, we don’t want anyone knowing he spent the weekend stuffed in your school bag, do we?

“Unless of course, you want to write that down”?

“No it’s fine I’ll write he went to the Park” he grumbled.

“Hmmm how many times over the years have you’ve forgotten prayer bear” quipped Pippy sarcastically.

“Not that many actttuuuuualllllly said Mum suddenly feeling all defensive.  In fact, when you used to bring him home, we took him everywhere we went.  We even used to dress him up”.

“Mind you, it was all new to me then.  I was, you know eager to impress the teacher back then.

“Fast forward now…….well who has time for all that crap.  Bad enough getting you lot to do your homework never mind chronicling prayer bears adventures” said Mum.

“Where did we take him, when it was my turn?” asked Dippy,

“God I can’t remember, anyway I haven’t got time to reminisce about bloody prayer bear’s adventures over the years just get dressed and hurry up” shouted Mum.

“O….M……G” shouted Dippy “my phone only has 3% charge, that’s it, there’s no way I can go to school now”.

“Whaaaatt don’t be ridiculous” shouted Mum “I mean who the hell are you going to be texting your mates are at school with you”!!!

“Be quiet mum you don’t understand, you really annoy me” he shouted.

“Don’t speak to Mum like that” shouted Pippy.

“Says you” …….

“For Christ’s sake, just wind your necks in I’ve enough of you lot this morning, seriously you’re doing my heads in” she cried.

“Mum can Hattie and Pattie come round after school?” asked Pippy.

“What again”? Can’t you go round one of their houses for a change?” Said Mum “I’m sure their mums would be pleased to actually have them home for a change” teased Mum.

“Ha ha very funny, actually my friends prefer coming here”.

Yeah strange that thought Mum don’t suppose it’s got anything to do with feeding or lifts!!

“The only thing is……….would you be able to take Hattie home later? Her mum has to go out, so won’t be able to pick her up.   Please Mum otherwise she won’t be able to come round”!

“Blimey her mum sure goes out a lot.  I swear every time Hattie comes round her mum has to go out.  It’s odd as everytime I take her home, her Mum’s car is always on the drive”.

“Alright, alright, well maybe her mum gets picked up, I don’t know but it’s not Hattie’s fault” sighed Pippy.

Just then mum felt something bite her foot

“Who the bloody hell put Rigby on the floor” she yelled trying to dislodge her foot from his mouth.

“Me shouted Dip-Jnr, he looked sad all on his own”

“Right, quick go and get that cannister thing I bought, the stop barking, biting one, cause he’s not budging,” said Mum.

“I can’t find it” shouted Dip-Jnr.

“Well keep looking and HURRY UP…..”!

“Found it” he shouted, “it was in his bed, oh hang on he’s chewed the top of it, it doesn’t work”

“Ffs thought Mum another £8 down the friggin’ drain, surely somethings got to work  “Okay shake the treat tub” suggested Mum.

Just as Dip-Jnr starting shaking Mum felt her foot suddenly become free.

“Right quick you lot get in the car, we’re late and the traffic is going to be a bloody nightmare.

“But I haven’t had breakfast” shouted Pippy.

“Well that’s your fault it was on the table, your choice not to eat it” yelled Mum.

“But I’m starving” she moaned.

“Well tough, go grab yourself a packet of mini cookies or Quavers, that’s guna have to do” shouted an exhausted Mum, and HURRY UP!

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8 Comments

  1. Tracey Abrahams
    November 6, 2017 / 5:08 pm

    Brilliant start to the story. I remember my boys reading the Biff and Chip books. I think at some point the two mums need to find themselves in the opposite worlds. #mondaystumble

    • November 6, 2017 / 9:28 pm

      Now that sounds like a great idea!! Thanks for reading & commenting x

  2. November 6, 2017 / 5:12 pm

    Lol, this did make me chuckle. After two kids of Biff Chip and Kipper and now a new little one at school, I can relate. Brillant post xx #mondaystumble

    • November 6, 2017 / 9:27 pm

      Thank you! Glad you enjoyed it xx

  3. Sarah Mastromarco
    November 6, 2017 / 6:37 pm

    This genuinely has me giggling so much! Just love this. Can’t wait for the next one.

    • November 6, 2017 / 9:24 pm

      Thank you. Glad you enjoyed it x

  4. November 10, 2017 / 10:59 am

    Oh, I really enjoyed this. At first, I was going to ask if we could all move in with you! Then, I realized the alarm went off! Very fun! #mondaystumble xoxo

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