Over in England the Bedtime War Rages On….!

It would seem my pre-mummy, delusional bedtime dream is shared by a primary school in Wisconsin, America.

According to a recently published article, this school kindly provided parents with a ‘helpful chart‘ outlining suggested times for bed proudly displayed on their Facebook page.

It served to help parents by outlining recommended times for bed sleep time in order to wake up at certain times wake time ie. If a 6 year old goes to bed at 7:00pm they will wake at 6:45am.

I’m guessing, maybe due to some kids falling asleep and snoring so loud it was distracting the others, someone over in the ‘clever ideas office’ decided to dream up a table and fill it with a load of shite of times and label it ‘Bedtime Table’.

Such is it supposed success,  I’m amazed my kid’s secondary school haven’t jumped on this bandwagon and put up a similar one.  I have it on good authority from my teenage son that ‘everyone’ falls asleep in lessons.

Not wanting to assume it’s the lesson that sends them to sleep I can only assume it’s probably due to not getting enough z’s the night before due to Netflix studying late.

Recently at school my son decided to have a quick ‘power nap’ but crucially forgot to remove the banned contraband from his mouth.  Waking suddenly to his name being shouted caused a choking reaction as he believed the ‘lump’ in his mouth was in fact a fly! apparently his relief was immense when he spat it out to find it was only his chewing gum.


Here in England the only FB page we have connected to both my kids schools are for ranting about anything school related sharing important fluffy information, such as recipe ideas for dinner and pointing out that again, no one is stepping up to the mark of helping on stalls.  Fresh blood is always required.

The Only In America chart recommends children aged five have 12 hours’ sleep.  I agree and would champion this if my kids were willing to listen.

It further advises children aged 12+ need between nine and 10 hours sleep.  I’m assuming that’s for the weekends, in which case mine are getting more than the recommended amount.

What the table doesn’t allow for is what to do when you put them to bed at said time and as soon as you are back downstairs they get back up!

However, on school nights it would seem unless they are all in bed and fast asleep by 9pm they will not get the required amount of sleep.  The chances of this happening in this house is as likely as me finding out Victoria’s Secret!!

A few parents, the kind that every school has, praised the guide commenting:

very true I follow this“.

even calling it “awesome”.

my favourite “we will show this to our kids if they complain”.

Wow they must have really easy to scare kids.  I can imagine the scenario here while arguing the toss about bedtimes and the injustice of it all, I whip out this handy bedtime chart and watch as my kids all recoil back to their beds.

But hey thats just a scenario, the reality would be them laughing while lobbing it in the bin, or more realistically the floor space surrounding the bin.

Back to the comments and thankfully, there were a few parents who said it how it was:

bet there’s not many who live by this table

” lol thanks for the laugh that is hilarious

and my favourite one “this chart was clearly written by someone who doesn’t have kids or doesn’t live in the real world” adding a more realistic view to the nonsense post.

I don’t know about anyone else but if you are one of the lucky few whose bedtimes are a non eventful process then I envy you.

Bedtimes don’t mean sleep over here, demanding bedtime means hours of negotiation, complaining and yelling.

Sometimes I find myself momentarily wallowing in the proud cloud, when after some tough negotiation talk I stop to think what great hostage negotiators they could all become later in life.

A lot of wandering around and sudden urges to chat about their day happens only on the stroke of bedtime.

All wandering is usually accompanied with a puzzled expression, usually mine as they don’t have their phone in hand and it’s a rare sight to see.

Questioning all acts of wandering the response is always vague and usually something mumbled about looking for something beyond any description.  However it adds a few extra minutes to the avoidance of bed.

Luckily I am on hand to intervene and provide reassurance that I will continue the search for ‘nothing’ once they are in bed.

In theory the table is a good idea for all parents who have never thought of trying this before.  So with NO parents left on planet earth who havent tried this or something similar it is clear to me its of no use to anyone.

Unfortunately I can offer no reassurance it gets better as they get older.  Our bedtime battle has been raging on for 16 years with no end in sight.  The arguments just get longer with longer words used!


09:00pm Bedtime warning rings out to deaf ears.
Repeat above.
Repeat above.
Apparently they all heard me the first time.
The unfairness of it all debate.
The homework he didn’t have is due in tomorrow.
Mum you have remembered it’s my school assembly tomorrow?
Has no idea what the homework is & no he didnt ask the teacher!!! Its easier to message his mates who don’t know either.
Shit what assembly?
Time for a wander the phone needs a walk.
Explaining why it’s NOT easier to go to bed in their uniform.
Guidance given on where to wander to.
Have I seen their library books due in tomorrow!
Wandering again, this time with added puzzled expression for effect
Kids all finally in bed.
Are they asleep? yes they must be they just said they were!
No they are NOT on their phones, why do I always assume they are?
Son shouts for phone charger for the phone he is not on.
 11-11:30pm Desperate for a drink they are dying of thirst x 4.
 Incoming text from son who is not on phone with breakfast order.
 Do I wanna hear about his day? NOOOOOOO!!!!!

Anyone else have a similar problem?

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