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You’ve seen the Housewives of New York and the rest, well, I kid you not they are tame compared with the Housewives of School Gates said the former 80’s chick, Mummy Buck.

With four children, the school run for Mummy Buck has been part of her daily routine for the last 14+ years.  With only Dip-Jnr left at Primary, the school gates will soon become a distant nightmare memory.

The Daily Grief Editor, a Mum herself, thought it would be fun to ask our regular columnist and former 80’s chick, Mummy Buck to give our readers an insight to all the Mums she’s been unfortunate fortunate enough to meet over the years at the school gates.

How do you feel Mummy Buck, knowing in 8 months your Primary school gate days will be over?

You know when you lose a pound and find a tenner? No, nor do I but I liken the feeling to that. Mixed emotions, sad and happy all at the same time.

Sad knowing Dip-Jnr will be joining the ranks of the teenage attitude squad, but happy knowing I will be able to escape the playground jungle screeching I’m a Mum Get me out of here all the way to my big fuck off car…..that I haven’t bought yet.

Is there not a school gate at Secondary?

Yes, there is, but its only for teachers to stand at, NOT parents. Unless you happen to be that ‘one’ parent whose child doesn’t give a crap.

I was told some time ago by my older ones, that under NO circumstances am I to stand anywhere near and definitely not at the gates. The shame they would feel, me putting myself out there in full view of 1100+ pupils would be too much for them to bear.

I’m to remain, at all times, out of sight in the car.

Teenagers eh! Mummy Buck describe to our readers, the Mums you have crossed paths with over the years.

Gosh, there’s been loads. I won’t have time to bitch talk about them all now. With the exception of the Coffee to Go Mums. I have a total of ten. Today I will give you five. You’ll have to come back next week for the other five.

I’ll start with the Coffee to Go Mums. These mums are witty, sarcastic, honest a real bunch of yummie mummies.  They love a bit of phone use and social media. Ex-members of the playground bullshit club.  Love a piss up, gossip, nights out and nights in with fluffy pj’s and matching slippers.

Mums I’m very lucky to call my close friends.

Ha-ha, that’s great. How would you describe some of the others?

There’s a variety.

The More Faces Than a Clock Mum
The Jackanory Mum
The Aunt Bessie Mum
The Party Queen
The Marvel Mummy

Wow, you sure have a collection of, shall we say, unusual names. Let’s start with ‘More Faces Than a Clock Mum’.

[Mummy Buck laughing] Long nickname isn’t it? Almost as long as their list of who to slate next. The Church on Sunday, Gossip on Monday lot. Although if you ask my Dad, Grandad Buck, he’d say these mums don’t wait till Monday’!

This is the Mum happily chit-chatting with you 9 o’clock at the gates. Giving you the rundown of who’s doing what/where and who with.

Half the people being talked about, you won’t even know.  But you learn shes apparently a right ‘cow’.

She’s a sheep in wolves clothing. Lulling you into a false sense of ‘we are friends’ security. Once hooked, she will turn the conversation around and squeeze your brains for any snippet of information she can get. Divulge at your own peril.

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Fast forward to 2 o’clock and you’ll see her over at the other gates. Her mouth going like the clappers feeding the coven her version of YOUR ‘info’ from the cauldron of bullshit.

And its all whispers and hard stares as you make your way across the playground.

AUNT BESSIE MUM

The title is misleading. This Mum is NOT an Aunt Bessie’s Mum who fills her trolley with ‘can’t be arsed & haven’t got time to cook’ roast potatoes, parsnips and the like.

Nope, this mum is trolley deep in raw ingredients.

The only card maxed out to the limit in her purse is her Hobby Craft loyalty card.

She loves nothing more than proudly showcasing Johnnies home-made costume on Facebook the morning of World Book Day. Pinning her creation to her Pinterest board causing a frenzy of new followers.

This Mum is NOT a last-minute Amazon shopper. She gets a rash just thinking about Johnnie going into school blending into a sea of matching last-ditch effort costumes. How would she ever find him after school?

She starts with a blank canvas building a beautiful picture. Feeding a feast fit for a King to her kids, who eat and enjoy every morsel, from the last couple of ingredients left in the fridge. Not a cookbook in sight.

She’s the one leading the march through town waving the banner ‘Kids Need Vegetables NOT Spaghetti Hoops’.

You mention the ‘last minute Amazon Shopper’ who’s that Mum? what do you mean?

Oooooh well, that Mum is me, the one who got the World Day letter but lost it!

Luckily I have Amazon Prime, only because I keep forgetting to cancel the bloody thing since the free trial!

Can I just give a little tip here about buying last minute on Amazon? Never assume, like I did the package on your doorstep is what you ordered or think you ordered.

I made that mistake. Naturally, I didn’t open the package until the morning he needed it.

You can imagine my horror when feeling proud that I actually had an outfit to unwrap, the costume turned out to be for a boy age 6. My son is age 10. You do the maths.

Do you see the problem we had? I tell you, with a quick bit of thinking, I managed to convince him he was a dead ringer for the incredibly well known and loved Huckleberry Finn.

He went in rocking that poor look.

Good tip there for our readers Mummy Buck.
Tell us about the Jackanory Mum

Do you remember the programme Jackanory? I loved listening to stories every week. Who would have thought I’d still be listening to fairy stories all these years later.

This is the mum telling her story, one day at a time, with a shovel of bullshit thrown in for dramatic purposes.

Avoid eye contact with her at all costs. Seriously, if she asks, ‘how you are?’ keep walking. She’s not asking ’cause she gives a shit, no siree she’s asking so she can open the gate and let her ego in.

How would our readers recognise this mum?

Ahhh she’ll be stood in the middle of the playground, talking loudly with an audience.

Basking in her own sunshine of self-praise, and love of her own voice. She tells everyone who accidentally falls into the circle of bored people, how she’s just pulled her place of work from rock bottom to an award-winning company.

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How she’s waiting for her BAFTA nomination to arrive in the post. She’ll pause, momentarily unfortunately not long enough for you to get away.

She’s just pausing to draw breath before letting her vocal cords get back in full swing, telling all un-interested parties how she manages all the above, whilst juggling trips to the hairdressers, spa and nail bar.

Fast forward the next morning. And you’ll see her heading towards you. Don’t panic, she won’t stop.  She doesn’t see you, in fact, she doesn’t even know you!

PARTY QUEEN

This Mum is the one driving her ego into the car park disguised as a big fuck off 4 x 4.
She’s the ‘friendly’ Mum dripping in jewellery gained from the commission for hosting a party. Not the drunken late-night proper parties we all love…..or I love!

I’m talking about the overpriced jewellery/candle/kitchenware parties, where everyone gets an invite and all us clueless party virgins pile round to pay way over the odds for crap you can get in Debenhams for half the price.

Sorry Mummy Buck, but surely you don’t have to buy?

What are you serious? Would you want to be the only tight arse not buying!

Remember the Party Queen didn’t just buy all those nibbles and drink just so you could spend fuck all.

You will spend the whole evening trying to find the CHEAPEST thing in the glossy brochure, while you wonder if the kids can last on spaghetti hoops and chicken fingers next week while you blow the ‘food-budget’ on jewellery wipes or a miniature grater for chocolate.

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The pain is further intensified with conversations as dull as dishwater and stifled laughs with sympathetic bursts of ‘oh dahling’ for the lesser amongst us.

Honestly, you gotta believe it. The key point about this mum is, she doesn’t want to be your friend, well not unless you have a worthy status, happen to be a CEO or your husband is of a standing in the community.  She just wants the commission from your sale.

Ask yourself this, when was the last time you spoke to one of these Party Mums post party?

She tends to be best buddies with the Jackanory Mum. Sorry, I keep yawning, it must be all this talk about the Party Queen.

Marvel Mummy

No matter what she wears, she wears it like Kate Moss. She can rock up in creased as fuck trackies, baggy t-shirt, DM boots and still look like she’s just stepped off the catwalk.

She’s effortless. Her hair thrown up in a loose, shaggy ponytail looking fab and no makeup. She doesn’t need it. She oozes style that one.

I tried this look once? I mean how hard could it be I thought.  After all, I had all the required creased as fuck clothing in the ironing pile and Daddy Buck has plenty of big t-shirts.

This was by no means, easy or effortless. It was an effort, REAL effort. My bloody arm ached trying to get my ‘casual’ ponytail right. My trousers looked like I’d just grabbed them out the ironing pile, right from the bottom and Daddy Bucks baggy t-shirt had the bloody slogan ‘Things to DO With Pussies’ all over it.

When I strolled into the kitchen, trying out my new cool attire, the kids all laughed, asking when I was getting ready.

Marvel Mummy’s kitchen is where all the action takes place. Her Kitchen Aid is on full vibration all the time, and the air is thick with smells of homemade creations, scones, bread, cinnamon whirls and not forgetting Jonnies home-made pizza is in the oven.

In between all this, she’ll be making the Taj-Mahal out of paper Mache while listening to Jonnie read chapter and verse of Great Expectations, as his pizza cooks.

Her kids are perfect. They popped out the womb, no pain relief required, smelling of roses.

Wow, sounds like she has perfect kids, what a lucky Mummy she is.

Lucky? Mm, I’m not sure its luck its more hoodwinked I think. I’ve found her kids are usually the ones causing the most trouble. While Mummy’s busy ‘not noticing’ what her littler ‘cherubs’ are up to.

As my Mum, Grandma Buck would say ‘there’s none so blind as those that don’t want to see.

Anyway, let’s not go there….just yet, that’s for another interview.

Come back next week for the final installment of Mummy Buck and The Housewives of School Gates.

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SHOCK DISCOVERY: Two local teenagers unearth a Ghostbusters mug along with an impressive collection of mugs, plates and matching cutlery.

A total of 2 cupboards worth, all part of a family collection normally kept in kitchen cupboards, was discovered by Pippy 16, nearly 17 and Dippy, 14 in their bedrooms in a village near Winging-It.

Mummy Buck, a former 80’s chick, told The Daily Grief:

“I’m over the moon with the return of all my crockery and I’m chuffed to monkey’s to be re-united with my treasured Ghostbusters mug, I honestly thought I’d lost it forever”.

Mummy Buck reeling from the mornings’ events,  spoke of her shock at Pippy & Dippy tidying their rooms and finding the haul.

“Well, it was like any other school morning.  The kids were late out of bed, the younger two were moaning about having to go to school and I was wishing I’d gone to work”.

“Looking back, I should have known the older two were up to something when Dippy wasn’t in the chair snoozing and Pippy wasn’t at the table surrounded by make-up, wipes, coffee while continually poking her tongue out at her phone”.

“Just before it happened, I was bent down in the kitchen filling up the fluffy one’s bowl with breakfast, when I heard a loud clattering noise.

From the corner of my eye, I saw something moving quite slowly.  Looking up I saw Dippy coming towards me, his arms were laden down with plates and cups”.

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“He just smiled and walked past all the available workspace straight to the dishwasher”.

“I watched, barely able to believe my eyes, as he opened the door first time placing each item of crockery perfectly into the racks, with no struggle or any kind of guidance”.

“I was shocked, my legs went weak.  It took a few minutes for me to take in what was happening”.

“Just as I went to speak, Pippy 16, nearly 17 walked in, also laden down with cups & plates”.

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“My first reaction on seeing her was one of horror, she’d only gone and perched her mobile phone right on top of the mug mountain”!

“Jeez, I nearly lost my life.  All I could see was a massive repair bill should it fall and break.  Not to mention the separation anxiety Pippy would in turn suffer”.

“Like Dippy, she walked by all available worktop space and began loading the dishwasher like it was something she did every day”.

“Just last night, Daddy Buck and I were discussing the shortage of mugs & plates.

I told him we needed to make a trip to Ikea to buy some new ones.  Daddy Buck wasn’t keen at all.

“I can’t wait to text him later and let him know we won’t have to go after all. He’ll be over the bloody moon. He hates trips to Ikea.

If it wasn’t for their meatballs he wouldn’t go at all”.

Local Child Expert, Dr. N.O. Chance, author of ‘Getting Kids to Listen’ said:

“Too often parents get stuck in a revolving wheel of negative talk,” said the father of none.

“Parents are often shocked when their kids don’t listen and quickly fall into the trap of shouting. “They should learn to focus more on just asking in a calm voice.  For example:

can you tidy your room today please?

let’s see how many mugs you can retrieve from your room.  I bet you can’t bring me out 20 plates in the next 15 minutes.

“The simple act of asking can have a much more positive effect then yelling or screaming demands such as “get back in that room and bring out all those mugs, plates and any other shit hiding in there”.

“Threats and resorting to bribes are, in my opinion a no-no” said the local child expert, father of none.

Dippy 14, confirmed Mummy Buck has been nagging for ages about their rooms being a mess.  He said “I can’t see what her problem is or why it evens bothers her.

“It’s not like she has to sleep in there.  The way I see it, my mess, my problem….and I don’t have a problem with it, so why should she?”

“All she does it nag, nag, nag about bringing out mugs, plates, and rubbish.  It’s like she’s stuck on repeat constantly saying:

‘tidy your room, tidy your room, where’s all my mugs gone? blah, blah, blah…’

“To be honest, most of the time I stick my headphones on to drown out all the nagging”.

“However, it was getting to the point where I found it a pain trying to get to my desk or bed.  I kept tripping over plates and mugs.  Plus my foot kept sticking on certain areas of the floor”.

Pippy agreed,

“he’s right, Mummy Buck is prone to shouting and making wild accusations.  Whenever any mug or plate goes missing, she’s straight on our case, blaming us.  Her favourite one being:

‘I bet they’re all in your bloody rooms’

She doesn’t care if we have friends over.  That doesn’t stop her giving off, it’s so embarrassing sometimes”.

“And it really annoys me, the way she ALWAYS blames us.

She hardly EVER blames the younger two.  Pip-Jnr is just as bad, yet she gets away with it as she’s ‘younger’.

“With my birthday just around the corner and Christmas coming, we figured it would be foolish not to at least to do some of what we are told.

Mummy Buck has already started with the usual threats of cutting back on gifts and promises of how she will upload photos to Facebook if rooms aren’t tidied.

Pippy and Dippy agreed:

“We couldn’t risk it, tidying up was the only option” they both said.

According to Mummy Buck, she is now looking forward to enjoying hot chocolate with a massive overload of marshmallows in her treasured Ghostbusters mug.

At the time of printing, it was rumored that Pippy and Dippy had even made their beds, this has yet to be confirmed.

Cuddle Fairy

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A mother of four has had enough of being told she asks too many questions.

IMG_3634The mother known as Mummy Buck has taken the drastic move to cease all lines of career/life/general questioning concerning her daughter Pippy, 16 nearly 17.

Speaking to The Daily Grief after the school run this morning, the former ‘80s chick’ said:

‘it’s like walking through a bloody minefield. Just as you’re about to get somewhere BAM there’s an almighty explosion. I literally can’t do right for doing wrong” she complained.

When challenged, she did admit her line of questioning can sometimes be, well, a lot, “but how else is a mother supposed to know what’s going on? Sit back and wait for my friends to tell me?” she howled.

She went on to reveal what brought this drastic decision about.

“It all started this morning. We were driving to school as normal when Dippy (teen son) asked Pippy what she wanted to do when she left school.

It was at this point, I made my first mistake, I answered for her.  The second mistake, I divulged she wanted to become a Paediatric nurse. Well, that was it, she went off like a rocket bellowing the following:

‘that’s why I don’t like telling you anything, I haven’t said I WANT to be a paediatric nurse, I said MIGHT, now you’ve taken it as gospel and probably told EVERYONE”.

Well, you can imagine can’t you, the car was rocking with the backlash. Dippy was hanging his head in shame in the back especially when the Lollipop Lady starting pointing her lollipop at us.

That’s how loud our car was.

Fortunately, I managed to reassure the kids by pointing out the shouting will just be mistaken for the usual din, heard coming from our car, they love radio station ‘crap-that’s-rapped on 103.7’.

It seemed to settle them.

And it’s that word ‘everyone’ who is ‘everyone’? Both my teens use this word, a lot but usually for just a couple of people maximum! If I say, everyone, I literally mean everyone I know……..yet I’ve hardly told anyone about her career choice!

IMG_3673Sources close to the Buck family claim, that Pippy 16, nearly 17, took to Snapchat later that day to bitch about Mummy Buck and what happened in the car. She raged about how Mummy Buck butted in with a load of bullshit even having the audacity to put Pippy in her place when challenged.

Apparently, Snapchat went mad with thousands of her teenage friends sympathising , virtual hug emojis were downloaded several million times over. The sympathy for her was overwhelming.

It caused such a stir Snapchat temporarily went down due to ‘teenage overload’ causing mayhem. Pippy was seen wandering around the house in further distress, shouting ‘come on, come on, work’.

Recent ‘parental crime figures’ show Mummy Buck is just one of million+ Mum’s worldwide committing the same crime ‘asking way too many questions’.

‘No matter what she asks it’s the same’ a close friend revealed, ‘Pippy is either, on rare occasions really chatty and open or she’s on complete answer lockdown.

A local teen expert Dr. Sum Ting Wong told the Daily Grief:

It’s all about timing. It’s all about catching them in the ‘right’ mood and NOT as a lot of parents classically do, ‘push’ it. He went on to say if you look at the recent teen ‘bugbear’ survey, it shows parental questioning at no. 2 and how its starting to spiral out of control, especially when teens are in Year 12 at Secondary School.

IMG_3674Pippy 16, nearly 17, was asked for her side of the story. She refuted her Mums claims, complaining:

“Mum always ‘over-eggs’ a situation, it’s always my fault. She went on to say “I’m literally fed up with it, as soon as I get in the car the questions start……

“How was your day? What did you have for lunch? Blah, blah, blah”.

“Worse still, she doesn’t listen. Often, she’ll ask me the same question twice, even though I’ve already told her the answer”!

“I mean how would you feel when as soon as you get in the car, after a hard day at school, your mum started showing an interest”?

When asked about the eye rolling, tutting and attitude, Pippy denied all knowledge. It’s nothing more than Mummy Buck misreading signals, confusing them for ‘rudeness’ when in fact it’s Mummy Buck who has the problem.

Asked to explain what she means by this she said ‘I can’t win.  It’s never her fault!!

It’s like when I’m on my phone, she’s always asking who I’m on my phone too, what I’m talking about. It’s so irritating. It bugs me, why does she need to know what me and my friends are doing?

I don’t ask her about her text messages, or who’s she on the phone too.  Well, maybe I do sometimes, but that’s different admitted Pippy 16, nearly 17.

FUTURE

Finishing up, Mummy Buck explained that she and Daddy Buck have discussed possible questioning strategies. They are now certain they have a plan which allows them to move forward.

Mummy Buck said: ‘It gives me hope I’ve never had before.

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First, there was Biff and Chip now there’s a new family, say hello to the Buck Family.

Just as Mummy reached out to turn her alarm off, Dippy came in

“Morning Mum” he chirped “would you like a cup of coffee?”.

“Ooh, yes please that would be lovely,” said Mum stretching her gym-toned arms.

Checking the time, she figured she had another 5 minutes before she had to get up.  Sitting up, she picked up her phone to see what was happening in the world.  Checking in on Facebook she giggled at some of her friends’ updates.

Delilah updated her status: Just got Horace’s results straight A*’s again.  His teacher was hilarious, she said ‘did you never tell him the alphabet has more than one letter in it!!! (she meant he only knows A’s).  I love his teacher. 

Social media checked, she leapt out of bed.  Grabbing her new fluffy, pink dressing gown she wrapped herself up and followed the aroma of fresh coffee.

Out in the hall, Daddy Buck was putting his shoes on, ready to go earn a crust.

“Gotta dash” he said and with a quick kiss, he was gone.

How she admired her husband, that man was no shirker she thought as she opened the door into the kitchen.

“Morning my little chick-a-do’s” chirped Mum

“Sit down Mummy your coffees ready,” said Dippy.

“Ooh, thanks love, where’s the fluffy one?”

“Dip’s taken him out for a walk,” said Pippy.

“Bless him” grinned Mummy.  “You know, if I’m honest I didn’t think Dip-Jnr would stick to his promise.  Boy has he proven me.  He hasn’t missed a single walk with Rigby yet, come hell or high water”.

Sipping her coffee Mummy glanced round the room.  Blessed was an understatement when it came to her model children, she couldn’t begin to imagine what it must be like to have kids who never listened, either preoccupied on their phones or constantly arguing over nothing. Just the thought of it sent a cold shiver down her spine.

Only yesterday Mavis was crying on Mummy Bucks shoulder about her daily struggle with her kids.

Mummy Buck could only liken it to a nightmare of all nightmares.  She felt sorry for Mavis if she was honest though, she did find her a little….……well a bit soft.  Daddy Buck said she’s ‘wet behind the ears’.  None-the-less she didn’t deserve that kind of stress and agg’.

It was hard, but Mummy Buck managed to feign genuine sympathy. It was hard but she was trying hard not to be one of ‘those mums’ who always cast a disapproving eye.  Only last week there was an incident between two mums.  The story goes that one of them gave the other child a can of coke and let him play Call of Duty on a playdate.  There was murder apparently, as the boy came home and spent the evening burping.  He was full of wind.  His parents were disgusted.

Mummy Buck giggled to herself, she wondered what they would say if she told them they had Call of Duty at home? She knows they would immediately assume it to be the game not the name for their  ‘housework rota’.  

“Turn the telly up a minute, please Dip-Jnr” asked Mummy.  The breakfast news was highlighting the alarming increase of children going to school without eating a proper breakfast.

They went on to say some children were turning up at school having eaten nothing more than a biscuit or a packet of Quavers.

God how awful, thought Mummy.

“Did you hear that?  Those poor kids going to school with nothing more than a packet of quavers for breakfast, where’s the nutrition in that?  One of the mums in question was giving her side of the story “look at her” Mummy raged “sitting there all smug like defending Quavers, does the woman have no shame”?

“I know it’s shocking Mummy, I heard it earlier on the 6 o’clock news,” said Dippy “don’t go concerning yourself with it you’ll end up with a worry wart,” he said.

“I know………………you’re right,” said Mummy.

“I’ll cheer you up.  What would you like on your pancakes this morning, syrup or fruit topping?”

“Ooh…well…I know I should say fruit but bugger it I’ll have syrup and don’t be shy with it” giggled Mummy “I’ll run it off later”.

Mummy couldn’t help but swell with pride watching as Dippy weighed out the ingredients, like a true professional.   She was in awe of him, watching as he whisked away without so much as a mess around him.  The kitchen seemed his natural habitat.

All those weekends spent in the kitchen had paid off, that Mr. Oliver was right, it had been fun, all parents should do it.  If it hadn’t been for that Mr. Oliver she may never have experienced that wonder.

Fighting back tears, she thought back to all the times they spent in the kitchen bonding over a mixing bowl.  How they cried with laughter when eggs fell on the floor and flour went everywhere.

Dippy used to love writing ‘dippy was ‘ere’ in the flour.  How proud Mummy felt when that photo went viral.  I mean, who would have thought it would end up as a meme, not that Mummy Buck wasn’t really sure what a meme was.

She started laughing……..

“What’s so funny?” asked Dippy.

“Oh, nothing” grinned Mummy “just thinking of old times”.

She felt sorry for some of the mums at the school gates, their confused expressions when she fondly recalled these times.  Most of them had only attempted it once!

“How’s your coffee mummy,” asked Dippy.

“Lovely and hot,” said mummy both hands, hugging her ‘No.1 Mum’ Mug.

“You okay Pippy, you’re very quiet this morning?” she quizzed.

“Yeah, fine Mummy just a bit breathless from running upstairs to get my clothes.  I can’t seem to find my leggings and green top, you know the one I like to wear on a Monday”.

“Errr..let me think….oh yes, they’re in the ironing pile, wait a sec I’ll go get them and run the iron over them for you”.

“Don’t be silly, I’ll do it in a bit” said Pippy.  “It’s my fault, I should have sorted this out last night”.

“Okay, if you’re sure?” asked Mum.

“Of course I am” grinned Pippy.

Pippy started to laugh ”what’s so funny” giggled mum noticing Pippy was actually on her phone for a change.

“Oh; it’s just Hattie, she’s just sent a snapchat of her mummy roaring like a lion at them, apparently she gets soooo stressy in the mornings and its doing Hattie’s head in, she can’t wait to leave home!”.

“Ahhh Poor girl, it can’t be easy for her”.

“I know right…..! I said to Hattie yesterday, thank god my mummy’s not like that”!

“Mind you, saying that, I bet Hattie can be……let’s say….challenging.  Did you hear the way she spoke to her mummy last week when she picked her up?  The poor woman was so embarrassed.  Bet that car journey home wasn’t pleasant”!

“I could never be like that.  I wouldn’t be able to get through my day knowing I’d upset you” said Pippy.

“You’re a good girl, do you know that?” praised Mummy.

“Thanks Mummy” blushed Pippy.

“Right……anyone need help with anything or can I shower and get myself ready?” asked Mum.

“You go shower Mummy, we’re all good,” said Pippy.

Standing in the bathroom Mummy listened to the warm echoes of conversations and laughter through the walls.  The art of conversation was still alive in the Buck house, no devices cutting that dead in the Buck house!

She heard the front door open, Dip-Jnr was back with the fluffy one.

“Everything okay Dip-Jnr?” shouted Mummy.

“Yeah, sweet,” said Dip-Jnr, “he’s done his business, so I’ll give him his breakfast now”.

“Okay,” said Mummy and with that, she jumped into a steaming hot shower popping the lid off her new Jo Malone shower gel.

The thought suddenly struck her, the only dilemma she faced each morning was what the hell to wear.  Chuckling to herself she got out the shower.

5 minutes later…….

Looking through her wardrobe she pulled out her gym gear.  Even though it wasn’t a Gym day, she’d made the decision whilst showering to go for a run after dropping the kids at school.

“Come on my little chick-a-do’s time to brush your teeth and get your uniforms on” chirped Mummy.

“Okay” they all shouted

“I’ll do my teeth first, then get dressed……….I don’t want to get toothpaste down my shirt” laughed Dippy.

Watching them disappear into the bathroom, Mummy marvelled at how similar they were to the Aquafresh family, they really did love brushing their teeth.  She found herself humming the tune as they went in

‘3 in 1 protection for your fammmm-i-ly la-la-la

they certainly didn’t make adverts like they used to, well apart from the JL Xmas one she thought.

“Ooh, you going for a run this morning then Mummy,” asked Pip-Jnr noticing Mummy in her gym gear.   “Yep, thought I might jog in with you to the school gates, then sprint off for a 5-mile run, I really need to get some practice in, not long until I have that marathon”.

“Wow Mummy” gasped Pip-Jnr “you ran 5 miles yesterday, how do you do it? Makes me feel well lazy”.

“No one could accuse you off that Pip-Jnr, let’s be honest, I don’t think playing Netball, squash, tennis as well as gymnastics, martial arts and cheerleading is lazy, do you?”.

“Suppose not” laughed Pip-Jnr.

“Have you seen some of the looks the other mummy’s give you when you jog past them in their cars”? Said Pippy.

“Oh, stop, Pippy I’m sure lots of them run” chuckled Mummy slightly embarrassed.

“Hattie’s mummy doesn’t, Hattie says all she does is stuff her face with chocolate Heros while playing Candy Crush.  Her mum reckons running is for Mums who are obsessional and up themselves!…..Rude eh?”

“Mm, very,” said Mum mentally crossing her off next weeks coffee morning list.

Changing the subject Mummy turned to Dippy “have you got all your homework in your bag?”

“Is the pope catholic?” joked Dippy.

“Good lad, have you got PE today? Mummy asked.

“Yep, I checked my timetable last night.  Bag packed and ready to go ma’am” he said saluting.

Laughing Mummy said  “God, can you imagine if you didn’t check your timetable every evening, you wouldn’t have a clue would you”?

“No,” said Dippy shaking his head.

It’s like that poor woman in the paper last week.  She was appealing nationwide for help in finding her sons lost PE bag!  That’s how desperate she is. My heart went out to her.

“I know, you wonder how he could keep losing bags like that” questioned Dippy “I bet he’s the kind who gets his mum do everything for him!”

“Yep, I think you’re right there Dippy” said Mummy.

“Mummy” shouted Dip-Jnr “my teacher said thanks for paying for the school trip so promptly and getting the form back, she said you were the first mummy to reply, I got a sticker for that”.

“No problem my little cherub you know I would NEVER forget”.

“Ooh, that reminds me, have you put prayer bear in your bag? You don’t want to forget him, do you”? Said Mummy.

“Yes, I put him in there last night.  I can’t wait to show Miss Patience and the class where’s he’s been over the weekend”.

Laughing Mummy said “ I hope they give you enough time to show the photos, narrowing it down to those last 25 was hard but hey we got there in the end.  I still laugh at that photo of you and him at The Fat Duck, you could tell he’d never tried Snail Porridge before.  Makes a refreshing change from his usual park trips he seems accustomed to!”

“You okay Pip-Jnr?” asked Mummy who had just noticed Pip-Jnr standing with her head almost touching the floor.

“Yes Mummy, just trying to put my hair up”.

“Oh, right I see, I can do your hair if you like?”

“Yes, please Mummy, have you got time to braid it?

Glancing at the clock, she realised she didn’t quite have long enough. “Not really, but I can do a fishtail for you if you like?”

“Okay that’s fine,” said Pip-Jnr

“You make it look so easy how do you know how to do it? How come you never get a bump in it?  Asked Pip-Jnr in awe of mums hairdressing skills.

“Well You-Tube is full of great tutorials, once you get the basics, it’s easy” boasted Mummy.

“Susie will be well jealous, she says her mum is useless at doing her hair.  Yesterday the French plait her mummy done started dropping within 10 minutes.  By the time we’d reached the school gate it had completely fallen out.  I tried not to laugh.  She said she wishes her mummy was like you!  Actually, can she come round after school today please?”

“Of course she can leave it with me, I’ll text her mummy after my run later and ask if that’s okay.  What would you like for dinner”?

“Oooh can you make your homemade chicken & leek pie, asparagus and barrel-shaped roast potatoes.  And your super-duper homemade profiteroles with chocolate sauce?”

“Oh, go on then” giggled Mummy.  It melted her heart hearing Pip-Jnr speak like that, it was a total appreciation of her home cooking, in fact, all her kids loved her cooking.

Maybe I will sign up for the new series of MasterChef she thought, God knows Daddy Buck has told me many, many times I should.

Her thoughts were suddenly interrupted “Susie says her mummy needs a new microwave” said Pip-Jnr.

“A new what?” Quizzed Mummy.

“A Microwave, apparently it’s like an oven for Mums who can’t cook or can’t be arsed to cook, well that’s what Susie says”.

“Now, now language” reminded Mummy.

“Sorry Mum” mumbled Pip-Jnr.

“Anyway, I’m sure Susie’s mummy has other talents”.

“I don’t think she has, well Susie’s never mentioned any.  She says it’s easier for her mum to use the microwave because no one eats the same dinners and her mums not dicking about in the kitchen cooking several different dinners just to be wasted.

“Pip-Jnr…..language……please!”

“Sorry Mummy” she whispered.

“Right, are we all nearly ready? Does everyone have their phones?

“Nah, I’m not guna take mine into school today said Dippy, I can’t be bothered with it.  Besides all my mates are at school so who would I be texting?”

“Very true,” said Mummy.  Such a sensible lad she thought.

“I’m going to Hattie’s after school,” said Pippy.

“Oh okay…. Actually, why don’t you ask her if she wants to come here, it’s only fair considering how much time you spend over there”.

“No, it’s fine you have enough kids here without me bringing my friends over all the time,” said Pippy.

“Bless you,” said Mummy “you really are a thoughtful girl”.

Mummy didn’t understand the mummy’s who complained all the time about ‘dreaded teen years’.  She was getting so bored of hearing stories of being surgically attached to their phones, parties, drinking that type of stuff.  In fact, she was starting to feel like an outcast, she just couldn’t relate to any of it.

Mummy……Muuuuuummmy…are you listening?

“what sorry, right………That’s all fine I’ll bring your phone with me later”.

Actually, don’t worry Mummy said Dippy I’m going to go to Homework club after school.  Just put it in my room for later.

“Oh, okay, no problem, I’ll text Daddy later to pick you up on his way home, that way I can crack on with dinner….homemade chicken & leek pie tonight”.

“Mm Lovely” replied Dippy licking his lips.

“Are we all good to go?”

“Yes mummy they all shouted in unison”.

“Oh, hang on I forgot about Rigby gasped Mummy.  That’s the trouble, he’s so quiet and well behaved you literally forget you have him!”.

“You lot go get in the car, I’ll be out in a mo,” she said.

I’m in the front shouted Pippy, yeah, we know said the other 3 in perfect unison.

With that Mummy Buck left Rigby with a big cuddle and his favourite Lamb grill.  She asked Alexa to play Chris Country and followed all her chick-a-do’s out into the car with a warm heart and a big smile.

Just then The Magic Key started glowing it took Mummy back to reality.

What bloody joker set my phone to go off on a Saturday morning? Thought Mummy Buck scrabbling around trying to find the bloody snooze button.

Cursing, she eventually found it.   Ahh, peace……that’s better she thought drifting back off to sleep.

Again it went off.

Reaching out to press snooze she managed to knock the phone onto the floor.  Oh ffs she thought, almost dislocating her arm she managed to retrieve the phone just in time before it woke the rest of the house up.

Pressing snooze she lay back and rolled over.

That side of the bed felt strangely cold, opening one eye she noticed Daddy Buck wasn’t there…..……..fab she thought he probably got up early to take Rigby out for a walk to save me doing it.  What a life saver that man was.  And with that she stretched herself out.

Suddenly, Mummy Buck went cold, a feeling washed over her that it might not be  Saturday.  Thinking hard she tried to make sense of what day it was.  She cried out loud like a wounded animal when it dawned on her it was in fact Monday.  The reason Daddy Buck wasn’t there was because he’d already left to go earn a crumb.

Shiiiiittttt, checking the time it said 7.36, she rubbed her eyes praying her sight was blurred with tiredness, looking again it said 7.37!

Pole vaulting out of bed, she reached out to grab her dressing gown…grabbing an empty hanger instead.  Where the hell is my dressing gown she said out loud, with no time to look she set off running round the house screaming like a banshee for the kids to get out of their pits.

Darting in and out of bedrooms the shouts of “RIGHT EVERYONE OUT, COME ON GET UP” filled the air.

With an eerie silence, she yelled louder GET UUUUUUUUPPPPPPPPP we’re late.

“OMG you mean you’re late” shouted Pippy.

“Mum, I feel sick” groaned Dippy.  Here we bloody go thought Mum.

“Well, that’s strange” hissed Mum “because you were perfectly fine last night sinking your teeth into that double quarter-pounder with extra cheese, I didn’t hear any mention of feeling unwell!

So, get your arse out of that bed you’re going to school” barked Mum.

“You awake Dip-Jnr? Diiippppppp, come on get out of bed we’re LATE.

“WHAAAAAAAT, okay, give me a minute” he murmured sleepily.

“Did you tell Pip-Jnr to get up?” asked Mum as Pippy waltzed down the stairs wearing Mums new fluffy dressing gown.

“YES but as usual she just shouted at me…..god she’s so moody” scowled Pippy “Nice legs Mum I think Dads just bought a new razor if you wanna try it.

Haha very funny, well if I could find MY dressing gown you wouldn’t have to look at my legs, would you? Come to think of it that looks a lot like MY new dressing gown you seem to have mistaken for yours.

With no time to dwell, she decided to tackle the dressing gown issue later.  Racing into the kitchen Mum Buck noticed Daddy Buck hadn’t got her coffee ready.  She made a mental note to tackle him about this later.

“Right cereal or toast? Quick come on, what do you all want”?

“Actually, I want breakfast,” said Pippy.

“Yes, I know you do….and I’ve just given you a choice of that…..…..cereal or toast”?

“That’s not breakfast, Dad cooks us sausages and bacon,” she said not once losing eye contact with her phone.

He bloody would……that marvel of a man thought Mum.

“Think yourselves lucky, what about all those poor starving children in Africa, they would be over the bloody moon with either toast or cereal, they don’t get choices…. They get rice”.

“Err actually Mum that’s not quite true,” said Pip-Jnr “the new boy in my class is from Africa and he’s not starving and he has sandwiches and crisps in his lunchbox, not rice”. Bloody smart arse thought Mum.

“Anyway, never mind all that now, he’s obviously one of the lucky ones,” said Mum.

Shoving the box of wannabe rice krispies on the table, Mum went to yell at Dippy who was still pretending to be sick.

“I bet he hasn’t done his homework” Pippy mocked raising her eyebrows “which is why he’s P-R-E-T-E-N-D-I-N-G to be sick”.

“Don’t be silly,” said Mum knowing he was faking it, but not fuelling Pippy’s fire there!

“Yes, I HAVE done my bloody homework” Dippy bellowed.

“Did you know he got a caution for no homework yesterday?” Pippy shouted.

“SHUT UP Pippy why don’t you mind your own business for once” shouted Dippy.

“Just saying” she mumbled waving her mascara wand in the air.

“Who’s in the toilet?” shouted Pip-Jnr.

“Me,” said Dip-Jnr.

“Well hurry up I need to get in there,” said Pip-Jnr standing crossing her legs.

“Mum  tell him to hurry up, I’m desperate” pleased Pip-Jnr “I bet he’s on your phone in there, which is why he’s taking so long”.

“Have you got my phone in there”? Asked Mum

“Yes, sorry I’m coming out now,” he said.’

“Well HURRY UP then, I can’t be doing with all this constant, bloody whining,” said Mum. “And put my bloody phone back”!

Finally accepting defeat Dippy dragged himself out of bed, pushing past Mum he made his way the front room.

I HATE SCHOOL” he groaned “why do we have to go?”.

“I know it’s hard love, I often find myself asking myself the same thing, especially considering you know everything…….must be SO boring for you!!” quipped Mum sarcastically.

“Did you pay for my school trip?” shouted Dip-Jnr.

“Yes” lied Mum.

“Only my teacher said you haven’t?”

“Oh, did she?” Snarled Mum.

“Well, unless I’m sadly mistaken the closing date for payment is the 23rd today’s the 21st so by my calculations that leaves two days still left to pay!

“Not only that, the form quite clearly states, and I quote ‘VOLUNTARY payment’.  That’s right V-O-L-U-N-T-A-R-Y, ask her later if she knows what that means, in case she doesn’t tell her from me it means ‘optional’ or ‘if you want to’.

So before she starts naming and shaming remind her of this!  In fact, I might tell her myself later, makes my blood boil all this.

Don’t go saying anything to her Mum that would be so embarrassing.

“Well its always the ones who actually DO pay that gets chased, I’ve had enough of it I can tell you” complained Mum.

WHERES’S MY CLOTHES, THEN?” shouted Dippy.

“Right beside you” yelled Mum.  God if he had a brain, he’d be dangerous she thought.

“I can’t believe you, why do you always expect Mum to get your clothes for you, next you’ll be wanting her to wipe your arse for you” snapped Pippy.

“Just leave it Pippy,” said Mum.

Poking her head round the door Mum saw Dippy in the chair playing with his phone. “Errrr I thought I told you to get dressed?” she hissed.

“Alright, alright calm down,  I need to reply to Freddie, he’s asking if there was Maths homework last night”.

“What and he thinks YOU’D know the answer to that”?  The boys a comedian, now get DRESSED” demanded Mum.

“Who’s taken my phone of charge” shouted Pippy?”

Bloody hell someone’s brave thought Mum.

“Me…..sorry” said Pip-Jnr “I thought it was my charger”.

“What with my name all over it! Mum you’ve got to do something about this I’m fed up with her just helping herself to my charger, she does it all the time”.

Wish that was all I had to moan about thought Mum.

“Okay, okay……..Pip-Jnr don’t do it”.

“Is that it?  Is that all you’re guna say to her, bloody hell woman if that was me you’d be having a right go”!

“Don’t speak to me like that” shouted Mum.

“Like what?  I only said…..”

“I know what you said”

“It’s always me isn’t it, what about Dippy he shouts at you all the time and you NEVER tell him off”.

SHUT UP” shouted Dippy from the comfort of his chair.

“Anyway, it’s about time you became less obsessional overcharging your phone, would be nice once in a while if you actually put it down for longer than 5 minutes!.

“At this rate, I’ll have to book you in for it to be surgically removed just so you can upgrade to a newer version”!

“Very funny Mum, anyway you can talk, you’re always on your laptop blogging, even Daddy moans about it”! Argued Pippy.

“I’m sitting in the front today” said Pip-Jnr.

“No, you’re not Pip you know I sit in the front” snarled Pippy.

“It’s not fair you always get to sit in the front” Pip-Jnr howled.

“OMG you’re not arguing about the front seat already”? Said Mum.

“Mum, it’s not fair, I want to sit in the front, she’s ALWAYS in the front”! Shouted Pip-Jnr.

“You can sit in the front on the way home, okay?” promised Mum.

“Not unless I get out of school first” whispered Pippy.

“For god’s sake Pippy why did you have to go and say that for”? Said Mum completely pissed off with it all now.

“MUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUMMMMM tell her”.

“Right someone needs to take Rigby out again, your dad did it before he went off to earn a crumb but he needs a wee now”.

“Well, I’m not doing it,” said Pip-Jnr.

“Nor me, I’m always doing it” said Dip-Jnr.

Err can I just remind you ALL of your promise “please Mum, I promise if we get a dog I will walk him ALL the time, I will, pleeeeaassse I promise” anyone remember that solemn promise? Challenged Mum.

“No… But its not fair,  it’s always me you ask.  The others never do it” Dip-Jnr huffed.

“YES I do,” shouted Pippy “you always say you do……..but you don’t… you’re always on your x-Box”!

“Oh shut up Pippy you NEVER do it” he shouted back at her.

“Okay, okay don’t worry,” said Mum “I’ll ring Adopt a Puppy Hot-Line later, see if they have any spaces for Rigby” snapped Mum.

“Uggghhhhh fine I’ll do it then” stormed Dip-Jnr.

“Can you do my hair”? Asked Pip-Jnr.

“Can’t Pippy do it for you? I don’t have time” pleaded Mum.

“No, she said she hasn’t got time, but she’s just playing on her phone & taking selfies!”

“God, alright I’ll do it, how do you want it”? Mum shrilled.

“Well, I’d like French plaits but of course you can’t do them, can you!!!! So I suppose it will have to be the same old ponytail, why can’t you be like Susies Mum? She’s so good at hair.

“Is she, that’s nice” sneered Mum.  Bloody woman, she thought a real modern day hero!.

“Can Susie come round after school today for dinner?”

“Bit short notice,” said Mum.

“Pleeeeease Mum, you always make excuses…….please”? she begged.

“Okay, I’ll text Wonder Woman later” Mum lied.

“You better Mum, you won’t forget will you”?

“No, I won’t forget” lied Mum.

“And can we not have chicken nuggets please, its soooo embarrassing you cook them every time Susie comes round”.

“Okay well, what about chicken fingers, or chicken burger then? Actually thinking about it I bought you them new Chicken chargrills you like”?

“Liked!! I’ve gone off them now, you gave me them 4 times last week!”

“Can’t you make something instead?  Susies Mum makes all her dinners from scratch.  I had one of her home-made curries last week with homemade nan-bread, it was yummy”.

“Her Mum is funny though, she was going on about jars of ready-made curry sauces, and how they have no place in her cupboards as they’re for lazy arse Mums, the ones that use Microwaves!

“I didn’t dare mention you have them in all different flavours and you use a microwave.  When she asked me if you used them, I was too embarrassed to say yes, so just pretended you felt the same about them.

“So don’t open the cupboard if Susie comes into the kitchen later, okay?”

“Oh right okay…… I suppose they all eat the same dinners as well? said Mum sarcastically.

“Actually yes they do, but that’s because she’s a good cook.   Susie said she saw an application form for the next series of Masterchef on her Mums desk.  Can you imagine you doing that Mum?” said Pip-Jnr laughing hysterically.

“Muuuuummmmmmm come and get Rigby he’s….oww…ouch MUUUUUMMMMMM get him off me….MUM…….he’s biting my toes”.

“For christ’s sake, that bloody dog thought Mum, it’s worse than having a baby”.

“Mum get him will you”.

“Well if you didn’t keep winding him up, he wouldn’t keep biting you.  How many times have I told you this”?

Finally cornering him she grabbed him and carried him off to his bed, as he chewed on her fingers.  Bloody dog she thought as if I don’t have enough to do in the mornings but chase this little sod around.

With that Dippy walked in brushing his teeth.  Oh for Christ’s sake, why are you walking round doing your teeth? You’re going to get toothpaste all over your clean shirt.  And put your bloody phone down! For god’s sake, the world won’t fall apart if you don’t check it for 2 minutes.

“It’s fine he mumbled” as a massive toothpaste bubble fell onto his shirt.

“See what I mean, go on get out of my sight I can’t bear it.  You never bloody listen” said Mum shaking her head.

“Ooooh someone must be on their period”

“Err no, this someone isn’t actually I’m peri-meno ACTUALLY”

“All the same, it makes you moody all the time”

“Susie’s mum isn’t…”

“Oh shut up about bloody Susie’s mum.  I suppose she runs marathons without breaking into a sweat while Daddy waits at the finish line in his Porsche”?

“Actually she does run marathons but her dads just sold his Porsche, he’s getting a new car, an Aston Martin”.

“Can we get a new car”? Pip-Jnr asked.

For once Mum was delighted when Dip-Jnr butted in

“Muuuuummm don’t forget prayer bear”

“Prayer Bear…..?  Oh for Christs sake I’d forgotten about him why didn’t you remind me?”

“I did remind you, you said you would get him out and take a few pics over the weekend.  It’s not my fault it’s yours, now I’ll get into trouble” he said starting to cry.

“Okay, well just write in the book he went to the park and loved it.  The roundabout was his favourite and he spent hours twirling around on it, that will do”.

“But our park doesn’t have a roundabout”!

“Yes I know that, but Miss Patience doesn’t!!

“But that’s lying Mum” whined Dip-Jnr.

“I know but it’s for a good cause, we don’t want anyone knowing he spent the weekend stuffed in your school bag, do we?

“Unless of course, you want to write that down”?

“No it’s fine I’ll write he went to the Park” he grumbled.

“Hmmm how many times over the years have you’ve forgotten prayer bear” quipped Pippy sarcastically.

“Not that many actttuuuuualllllly said Mum suddenly feeling all defensive.  In fact, when you used to bring him home, we took him everywhere we went.  We even used to dress him up”.

“Mind you, it was all new to me then.  I was, you know eager to impress the teacher back then.

“Fast forward now…….well who has time for all that crap.  Bad enough getting you lot to do your homework never mind chronicling prayer bears adventures” said Mum.

“Where did we take him, when it was my turn?” asked Dippy,

“God I can’t remember, anyway I haven’t got time to reminisce about bloody prayer bear’s adventures over the years just get dressed and hurry up” shouted Mum.

“O….M……G” shouted Dippy “my phone only has 3% charge, that’s it, there’s no way I can go to school now”.

“Whaaaatt don’t be ridiculous” shouted Mum “I mean who the hell are you going to be texting your mates are at school with you”!!!

“Be quiet mum you don’t understand, you really annoy me” he shouted.

“Don’t speak to Mum like that” shouted Pippy.

“Says you” …….

“For Christ’s sake, just wind your necks in I’ve enough of you lot this morning, seriously you’re doing my heads in” she cried.

“Mum can Hattie and Pattie come round after school?” asked Pippy.

“What again”? Can’t you go round one of their houses for a change?” Said Mum “I’m sure their mums would be pleased to actually have them home for a change” teased Mum.

“Ha ha very funny, actually my friends prefer coming here”.

Yeah strange that thought Mum don’t suppose it’s got anything to do with feeding or lifts!!

“The only thing is……….would you be able to take Hattie home later? Her mum has to go out, so won’t be able to pick her up.   Please Mum otherwise she won’t be able to come round”!

“Blimey her mum sure goes out a lot.  I swear every time Hattie comes round her mum has to go out.  It’s odd as everytime I take her home, her Mum’s car is always on the drive”.

“Alright, alright, well maybe her mum gets picked up, I don’t know but it’s not Hattie’s fault” sighed Pippy.

Just then mum felt something bite her foot

“Who the bloody hell put Rigby on the floor” she yelled trying to dislodge her foot from his mouth.

“Me shouted Dip-Jnr, he looked sad all on his own”

“Right, quick go and get that cannister thing I bought, the stop barking, biting one, cause he’s not budging,” said Mum.

“I can’t find it” shouted Dip-Jnr.

“Well keep looking and HURRY UP…..”!

“Found it” he shouted, “it was in his bed, oh hang on he’s chewed the top of it, it doesn’t work”

“Ffs thought Mum another £8 down the friggin’ drain, surely somethings got to work  “Okay shake the treat tub” suggested Mum.

Just as Dip-Jnr starting shaking Mum felt her foot suddenly become free.

“Right quick you lot get in the car, we’re late and the traffic is going to be a bloody nightmare.

“But I haven’t had breakfast” shouted Pippy.

“Well that’s your fault it was on the table, your choice not to eat it” yelled Mum.

“But I’m starving” she moaned.

“Well tough, go grab yourself a packet of mini cookies or Quavers, that’s guna have to do” shouted an exhausted Mum, and HURRY UP!

IMG_3647

Hello and welcome to The Buck Family, the new kids in town.

In the coming weeks, you will be able to read all about life in the Buck House in a series of different stories of how we all roll this side of the River (before anyone asks what river there isn’t one, it just ended the sentence better!).

Over the past year, you may have…or may not have come to know a little bit about us.  In case you haven’t, this week is all about introductions.

Below are little bursts of information, names, ages etc.  Hopefully it will help you to familiarise yourself with the Buck Tribe!

Mummy Buck

IMG_3634– mother of four slowly working her way through her 40’s, finding it hard at times acting all grown up and responsible as mentally she’s just celebrated her 18th Birthday.  She currently works part-time for the local constabulary and enjoys her rest work days.  The other half of her life is spent working as an unpaid skivvy, cook & Uber driver frequently on 24-hour call.

She has been surviving parenthood for the last 16 years on coffee, cake and whatever works.  She loathes baby parenting books, and has often been overheard saying “Christ those parenting books are a load of bullshit, and don’t start me on that bloody Supernanny woman with no kids” .

Mummy Buck LOVES blogging, Autumnal weather and wishes every year for a white Christmas.  Lover of cosy fires, nights in, PJ days and her Alexa (Amazon!).

Huuuuuu-monnnn-gous lover of New Country Music.  Enjoys the art of conversation.  Likes to bake but doesn’t bother much these days due to lack of appreciation and the cost.  Extremely organised on paper only (see LISTS never read).  A leave it till the last minute type of person.  Hates flying and ironing.

Is an excellent finder of things and taker of blame for everything wrong in the Buck House.  Prone to sudden onset of hot flashes and rage.  Has a close circle of fab friends.  Is very proud of all her kiddie-winkies.

Daddy Buck aka His Nibs

IMG_3636age undisclosed.  Lifelong supporter of The Blues – Chelsea FC.  Extremely passionate about Chelsea that words simply cannot describe.  Can be prone to football induced highs and lows all in a 5 minute sitting.

Used to attend matches frequently when younger.  Would like to go to a home match this year but is unable to secure another mortgage to pay for the tickets.

Is a car enthusiast and avid watcher of Wheeler Dealers, Gas Monkey any car restoration programme.  Mummy Buck is often corrected when heard saying ‘if you’ve seen one you’ve seen them all”.  Mummy Buck does not know what shes’ talking about….apparently.

Enjoys anything with Alaska in the title.  Mummy buck shares this interest often wondering out loud why the ‘f’in ell anyone would want to hunt their dinner and spend hours skinning & gutting it ewwww.  They need Tesco’s she says.

Daddy Buck is a legend for his Sunday roast.  Lives in hope every week for his numbers to come up.

Was born with a garden spade in his mouth, his homegrown vegetables are worthy of a spot in any farmhouse shop.

Favourite food is T-bone steak, liver and mash.  Favourite drink is anything that says 5% and above on the bottle.

Pippy

IMG_3638is 16 almost 17.  She talks a lot…..a hell of a lot, mostly about her upcoming birthday and how she will be driving.  She has red hair, green eyes and opinions (lots of them).  Is particularly careful with money, especially her own that she earns from working at a local pub.

She is careful not to break into any notes finding it easier to break into Mummy & Daddy Bucks instead.

She is currently at 6th Form studying really hard and considering a future either as a Teacher or Paediatric Nurse.

Mummy Buck has learnt to remain tight lipped when Pippy discusses future job options as Mummy Bucks enthusiasm is not seen as supportive but pushy.

Just because Pippy mentions possible career options this is NOT open for Mummy Buck to realy this information to everyone as Pippy is NOT decided on any career path.

She is very sociable and enjoys glasses of wine.  She goes to lots of parties.  Hates clothes shopping preferring to send Mummy Buck out with vague instructions.

She loves dining out but only with a discount voucher.  Her favourite snack is bacon and bagels.  Mobile phone is surgically attached to her hand.

Loves room service, tucking herself in most nights before texting Daddy Bucks hotline for something from the ‘nice to eat’ menu.

She is a professional Snap-Chatter and selfie taker.  Like Dip, she is a fully-fledged food critique.

Has a phobia about spiders, vegetables, fruit and salady things.

Is a taker of things and returner of none.  Always on hand to tidy up/help/put her ‘stuff’ away ‘in a minute’ (see trouble telling time).

Loves music.  She would love to see The Script live.  Mummy Buck has promised this will happen when they bring the ticket prices into the real world.

Can often be found in the front room with the television on pause, surrounded by food whilst staring at her phone.

Dippy

IMG_3635currently 15 with red hair and blue eyes.  Very handsome and the tallest member of the Buck family and still growing.  Grandma swears every-time she sees him hes got taller!

He has a very deep voice that often surprises people.  Is prone to laziness.  Like Pippy, his phone is also surgically attached to his hand.

Has ‘issues’ with remembering and seeing further than his nose (see LOST PE Kits).

Is an avid computer person and wants to do something with computers when he’s older.  Mummy Buck is allowed to discuss this with him as he loves talking to Mummy about his future career choice.

He’s often compared to Daddy Buck, not for height but for being similar in mannerisms.

Likes football…..a bit but does not share the passion his brother & dad do.

He’s in Year 10 at school and has realised that the 3 years already spent at Secondary were actually for learning things.  He has a lot to catch up on now.  This surprises Mummy Buck as she thought he already knew it all!

He enjoys hanging out with his mates at weekends, rather than stressing himself with school work.

Has a liking for brands, yes DONNAY is a brand but NOT a brand he would be seen dead in.

He likes Stone Island? Mummy Buck thought this was a sequel to Planet of The Apes and asked who was in it?  Dippy got cross it is in fact a brand of clothing, with a sweatshirt costing a reasonable £180.00, that is reasonable according to Dippy NOT Mummy.  Ooooh hang I’ve just been corrected £260.00 to be precise….bargain!!

Dippy has a short fuse and is currently going through a ‘phase’.  Loves music spoken rather than sung with swear words and other made up words not currently in any dictionary.

Favourite drink is anything he doesn’t have to make himself.  Favourite food is a kebab with extra badboy chilli from local kebab shop.

Pip-Jnr

IMG_3620

Currently 11 and now at Secondary School.  Likes hanging out with friends but not in local town as that’s boring.  She’s super creative and can make something spectacular out of nothing.  Mummy Buck says she is a future vlogger and Pinterest queen in the making.

She loves fashion and has an impressive collection of bows for her hair.  Loves make-up and all things girly.

She enjoys reading.  Has a head for all random facts, such as Camels have 3 eyelids.  Mummy Buck believes this could one day be useful in a Quiz.

Has dark blonde hair & blue eyes.  Is a taker and wearer of clothes belonging to Pippy.  Is a fidget, and can often be found bouncing around rooms to the annoyance of others.  Loves Mummy Buck’s smoothies and could drink them all day long.

She is NOT a morning person responding in outbursts of anger at her name being shouted repeatedly.

She loves music and having friends for sleepovers.

Her favourite drink is from Caramel Frappuccino from Starbucks.  She loves homemade soup made by Daddy Buck.

Dip-Jnr

IMG_3622currently 10 and in his last year at Primary School.  He has sandy blonde hair and big blue eyes also very handsome.  He hopes to be as tall as his brother Dippy when he’s older.  Is a cheeky chappie with a big sense of humour.

Loves playing x-Box live with his friends.  He talks a good talk.  Is weak with promises ie. promise to walk a dog all the time if we get one.  (See RIGBY below).

Loves football, and, like Daddy Buck is passionate about Chelsea FC.  He believes he has blue blood running through his veins.  Prone to temper tantrums and punching the air when Chelsea lose.

Mummy Buck can’t understand this.  Why get upset over some overpaid players running around a pitch playing with a ball? She believes their acting skills are stronger.

He is part of a local football team and is currently working hard to improve his fitness.  He joined the cross country club at school but sadly quit after the 2nd week due to not realising how far they would have to run

Joined a local boxing gym but quit the week after Mummy Buck bought him new gloves etc.  He said it wasn’t for him and ‘hung his gloves up.

Mummy Buck thinks he would be a great presenter on QVC, as he can ramble on for hours without drawing breath.

He loves sweets.  Believes sharing is caring until it’s his turn to share.  Enjoys cups of tea and dunking biscuits.  Likes to watch TV with Mum.  Likes to ask questions (see watching TV with Mum).

Currently the only member of the Buck house not to have a phone.  Loves to critique home cooking.

Favourite drink is Lucozade.  Favourite food is fish (but not fish fingers).

Rigby

IMG_3621our newest addition is a 4 month old Bichon Frise puppy all white and fluffy.  He is similar to a teddy bear.  Is an attention seeker barking for long lengths of time sometimes throwing a whimper in for good measure.

Is incredibly fidgety, and mooches about for at least 15 minute before finding a comfortable spot.

Enjoys walks, but not too early in the morning as he loves a lay in.  He has lots of toys but favours no one toy in particular.

Loves to play hide and seek in all the places he’s been dragged out off time and time again.  Likes to snack on walls, cupboards and anything that moves such as human limbs, fingers and toes.

Loves ham and will do exactly as he is told to gain such reward.  Ignores all commands without ham.

Currently attending puppy class and is doing well but needs to work on not eating his lead.

Loves people as he’s super friendly.  Currently working on his confidence issues with smaller dogs.  He is more comfortable with big dogs.

Is 90% toilet trained.

Tune in next week for a typical school morning in the Buck House!