Okay ladies I will be writing freely and honestly in this post about the Menopause or more so the stage before………widely known as the Peri-menopause (to be fully meno you must be period free for 12 months).
Coming from an Irish family, silences are something we know nothing about. If we come across them we fill them. So I’m not going to start going all silent now because I’m peri-meno!
I will liken my peri-meno journey to drinking a bottle of wine, aptly named Peri-Meno. I’m currently halfway through my bottle slowly getting more pissed as I go, on route to being totally bolloxed (fully menopausal).
THIS PERI-MENO MALARKEY
Lets be honest, getting old is a bummer. I have to keep reminding myself I’m a mature woman, a woman with kids. But I struggle, mentally I’ve only just turned 18 physically I’m about 99.
If that wasn’t bad enough, I have this peri-meno malarkey thingy going on. Watching helplessly as my body starts losing & gaining all at the same time (SEE HAIR LOSS vs CHIN HAIR GROWTH).
These days I spend more time tending my facial hair then I do the hair on my head.
According to his nibs, my stubble is often a good reminder for him to shave. (See WARNING below).
With a new-found waist the shape of a ring buoy I put it down to middle age spread, the spread my family warned me about when I was young and slim and NOT down to my love of cakes.
You can imagine my delight when I googled ‘doughnut shape’ and found it belonged to the long list of peri-meno symptoms.
No more panic attacks worrying I might have to join the gym or worse still give up cakes! It’s going to happen anyway with or without cakes.
Then there’s the joy of bloated middle drift. I often myself holding my stomach in as I casually walk around, its bloody hard work.
So desperate for a flat stomach again, I asked for big pants for Christmas, big pants that apparently flatten stomachs. At a cost of about £20-25 I reasoned they must be good. I’ll sum them up in one word – shit – the only thing lost here is money.
Yes they flatten a bit, but you end up with spillage over the top making the finished look even worse!
WHAT WAS IT……..OH YES THAT’S IT
This isn’t something new to me I’ve been forgetting things, usually important things most of my parenting life (see KIDS & MISSED FLIGHTS HOME).
Yet ask me to recall a TV advert from the 80s and I’m there, word perfect I haven’t forgotten a word I can even remember the tune.
One advert that comes to mind is the Ready Brek advert.
Anyone not familiar with Ready Brek, I’ll explain, it’s edible or inedible, whichever way you look at it, paper Mache. You’ll find it masquerading as cereal in all good supermarkets.
I bloody loved that advert (I was young!!) it was a real eat a bowl and glow. The advert showed happy kid trotting off to school with a protective glow of heat. It was they said – central heating for kids.
No matter how much of that shite I stomached I never glowed, I was gutted.
Fast forward 30+ years and I’m glowing alright, but I don’t bloody want to now.
HOT FLASH (not to be confused with FLUSH)
Googling yet another sympton I have found the reason my face lights up like the red arse of a horny baboon and I feel burning in my face is because I’m having a ‘hot flash’.
There are no set patterns to these ‘flashes’ they come from nowhere and their timing is shit.
For anyone not familiar with what a ‘Hot Flash’ (you lucky sod) let me enlighten you:
- You face will suddenly without warning ‘flash’ baboon arse red for a minute or two even three if you overthink it.
- ‘Flashing’ has nothing to do with dirty old gits and overcoats.
- The heat will be equivalent to the inside of a furnace + 100 degrees.
- You will be unable to have a ‘flash’ without saying out loud ‘God I’ve gone all hot again’ even when no one is around.
- You will start pulling at your top to show others you are hot and are attempting to cool down along with blowing air out your mouth in an upwards direction.
Apart from a bit of boob sweat that occasionally accompanies the ‘flash’ I thank God, I don’t suffer with the additional waterfalls of sweat.
1% of women…basically my jammy mum, have already drunk the whole bottle of peri-meno without so much as a headache.
As if things weren’t bad enough, one of my aunts recently described how she would lay in bed at night while her whole body would tremble from head to toe. Believing she was getting Parkinson’s her relief was immense when it was all peri-meno related.
WARNING: FEELINGS OF DESIRE TO KILL OR MAIME YOUR HUSBAND ARE NORMAL.
If you ask his Nibs about me + mood swings he will say “she’s not aware of how bad she is, it’s like breathing it comes natural to her”.
It’s like a cloud of raging irritability that hovers over me raining down every time someone, namely his nibs, eats loudly or sometimes, just the sound of his breathing can cause an explosion of irrational behaviour.
I sometimes feel a pang of guilt, but it’s shortlived.
And there’s the sensitivity. I’ve always been sensitive (see DISBELIEVING KIDS) but it’s become worse. My eyes drip almost as much as my bladder. It’s a real struggle just getting through an episode of Bake Off without being in bits when someone goes can be tough.
When I asked His nibs for what he thought was the biggest peri-meno difference for me he answered ‘your always tired’. (see EXCUSE).
Back to real tiredness and I don’t think I’m any more tired now than I have been for the last 18 years since becoming a mum and playing house.
I imagine the tiredness is probably like a wave of heaviness setting over you until you can’t keep your eyes open any longer. The way I feel when getting up in the morning vowing to go to bed early that night!
HELP….THERES SOMEONE IN THE HOUSE!
The first time I woke up in the dead of night for what I thought was absolutely no reason at all terrified me.
I lay motionless…..face burning real HOT, why the hell had I woken up, I NEVER wake up, there could be only two reasons either someone was in the house or I was about to experience something that would see me on the next episode of ‘A Haunting – it happened to me’.
Cooling my face down I eventually drifted back off to sleep. I only used to wake up occasionally but now its practically every night up to several times a night.
However, when I wake its not for long and I’m able to easily fall back to sleep. One sure thing is I wouldn’t be without my fan, no way can I go to bed now without having my fan on.
And I dream a lot more than I ever did, weird horrible dreams. More worryingly is I remember them in detail the next day and I have to try really hard not to Google what my dream meant just in case it predicts something bloody awful!
THE HIDDEN TENA IN MY TROLLEY
The need to visit toilets becomes more frequent. Don’t be fooled into thinking that just because you went before you left home you will be safe for a few hours, this is not always the case.
Once upon a time, before having kids I proudly had the bladder of a camel. I could carry a full load all day and not lose a drop even when in the midst of hysterical laughter.
Four kids later and the peri-meno to boot, let’s just say I’m not proud anymore.
I’ve switched from buying Always Night-time to buying Tena Ladies, hiding ‘my problem’ deep in the trolley (funnily enough spellcheck wanted to change Tenas to Tunas……..annoying, but I see the connection!).
Even the simplest of things like sneezing, laughing even walking can cause unwanted leakage.
THE VOICE OF REASON
Back in the good ‘ole days I was a good player. After all, I had played for the school team.
Having been a few years since I last played netball, the last being at school, I felt it best I observed from the sidelines first to refresh myself before signing up.
After one evening of observation, I felt ready. It felt good knowing I would be gracing the netball courts again, I shared my enthusiam with friends, we laughed as I talked about tournaments and trophies. I was buzzing.
All I needed to complete my ‘serious’ look was that fancy clothing you pay shit loads for and makes you look quite the athlete. Completing the look was some proper netball trainers.
His Nibs and his bloody voice of reason told me it was all a ‘waste of time’ he gave me two weeks before I would throw the towel in. He went on to say how it would better for me to buy a cheap pair, you know see if I like it first before wasting money on trainers.
I hate that voice of reason, it always butts in when you least want it. I didn’t want to hear sensible talk I wanted proper overpriced, netball trainers. I was in for the long haul. Why couldn’t he just believe in me. Not once did I hear, ‘you go for it, you’ll be a great player an asset to the team’.
I left the shop overpriced trainers in hand, I was good to go.
Me, Court 2, and a Goal Attack tabard and I literally had no friggin idea where to take up position court. Not a good start. Laughing off my mistake I stood there wondering what the hell I was doing.
At that moment the awful realisation wafted over me the player I was 30+ years ago had long gone. It was just me now running round a court like a headless chicken avoiding the ball at all costs. It was bad.
When I did catch the ball it was totally by accident, I didn’t want it and it showed, my feet were everywhere, I even threw it to the wrong side.
Fortunately, no one wanted to throw me the ball after that and I was glad. I had my work cut out defending the opposition.
I never made it to the half time whistle I found myself feigning a knee injury just to get off the court and have a bloody rest. The added problem was my ‘Tena’ was proving unable to hold up.
Let’s just say my bladder proved as weak as my netball skills.
So you see, its been in all the news. I think it’s important we all talk about ‘the change’ why not its nothing to be ashamed of?
Why suffer in silence?
As for me well I’m not having people think I’m a right miserable old cow without attaching a bloody good reason to it!!
As for those netball trainers, all reasonable offers will be considered!