Mums out on the town chillin’ in freezing temperatures likened to teenagers with no coats says: Age is just a number author Nu Nees.
Reports are coming in from around the country concerning snowfall and freezing temperatures. People are being told to stay indoors and keep warm.
In particular, we have reports coming in from Surrey about 4 women who were witnessed
stupidly braving the elements OUTSIDE last Saturday night at a local pub.
Witness & X-factor hopeful Ben-e-Dict told the Daily Grief: ‘It was cold, really cold. Imagine sitting outside with your mates, drinking, chatting and laughing nothing wrong with that but imagine it being sub-zero temperatures? Total madness.
I was outside having a smoke observing the only occupied table when one of them began randomly waving her arm around in mid-air.
I thought she was probably trying to put the life back into her frozen arm until I noticed a phone in her hand.
It suddenly dawned on me she was trying to get the right angle for some selfies. You should have heard them, it was comical ‘Good God, will you look at my chins’ and ‘fucks sake you better not post that one’.
Shortly after, I saw the same woman whip out a beanie hat adorned with sparkly bits and watched as she pulled it down so tight over her ears she almost disappeared under it’.
Ben-e-Dict recalled how he heard one of them shout out ‘Pootle’ to the one in the beanie hat. ‘I remember thinking how I hadn’t heard that name in a very long time, not since I last saw an episode of the ‘Flumps’.
Another witness Lou King who’d been
sensible sat inside the pub, recalled how she saw the women huddled together trying to keep warm.
I could see other people venturing outside only to turn on their heels and come back in. Except for this group they remained seated.
As the evening wore on, I saw one get up and thrown down some robotic moves, which my husband pointed out was probably just frozen stiff joints, and disappear shortly returning with a couple of large, tartan fleecy blankets which they wrapped around their legs.
The one sat nearest the heater left her arm exposed. It amused me how it would automatically shoot out like a Jack-in-a-box switching the heater back on every time it went off.
Keen to know more about these
stupid hardcore women. We managed to track down one of the ladies in question who coincidentally turned out to be none other than our very own former 80’s chick, Mummy Buck.
Mummy Buck tell us, what took you to sit outside on a cold February night?
Well, it all started when my friend rang to book a table at our *favourite haunt only to be told there were no available tables inside.
The only available tables were outside. She took the decision to book
another pub a table outside.
We weren’t deterred by this, after all, we’re mothers. It would take more than a cold night to knock us off our perches! (See below *deluded).
Did you Mums stay all night chillin’ at the same pub?
Yes, we did.
It involves effort to up sticks and move when you’re
frozen settled in one place. When you’re cold and your limbs have pretty much seized up, you know in an instant that you won’t be moving anywhere quickly (see below *first world problems for the over 40’s).
I remember needing the toilet yet when I tried to get up, my body rejected this thought and my arse staged a sit-in. Not often I say, thank god for Tenas!
I knew if I tried again, the likelihood of falling arse over tit was real. That happening would only send a false message to others that I was pissed which would have been totally incorrect (see below *not pissed on those prices).
Let it Go
It wasn’t just the weather that caused my body to freeze that night. The first time it happened was shortly after arriving.
I vaguely remember the barman asking for a month’s wages in exchange for a bottle of wine. It was at that point I believe my blood stopped circulating. I literally froze with shock at the price (see below *2nd mortgage).
Fortunately, my friends were able to quickly bring me back to the land of the living reassuring me I didn’t have to contribute to the bottle of liquid gold.
‘Remember’ they said: ‘you’re on the coke, you’re driving. We’ll get your drinks’. The relief was immense I loved my friends even more at that point.
Tell us Mummy Buck, how much effort goes into a ‘mums’ night out?
It depends if we’re chilling at someone’s house if we are then none at all.
If we are out on the town then effort is required.
How do you prepare for a night out and what does it usually involve?
Preparation is key to any girl’s night out.
MY preparation starts early. Not because it takes longer to
look younger apply my makeup but because I instinctively know, call it a mothers intuition, I will spend time screeching and searching for an essential item that will be missing from my makeup box (see below *light-fingered teenage daughter).
Occasionally, I like to open YouTube and follow a make-up tutorial with the tagline:
‘so easy even a baby could do it’
which I follow to the letter hoping to get that front-page Vogue look, making my eyes ‘pop’ with smokiness.
In my mind, I can already see my polished look while all around me the kids and Daddy Buck, Chelsea FC’s No. 1 fan, are admiring my look with a chorus of ‘wow you look amazing’.
Back on planet earth, the reality is a whole different finish! When I look into a mirror all I see staring back at me is an extra from the Walking Dead who’s clearly having a bad day further crushed when, without fail, one of my kids will burst into the room shouting ‘whoa Mum what’s wrong with your eyes’?
What the hell to wear.
And so, what to wear? The arse ache is real, it doesn’t matter whether I’m going to pick the kids up, down the pub, round friends, well maybe not round friends as that’s just trackies, but it’s a nightmare deciding what to wear.
Work clothes are a complete no, no, they’re ONLY for work. The thought of a work colleague seeing me on any social media platform wearing a work top brings me out in a sweat greater than a ‘menopausal moment’ does.
So its either play it safe with a fail-safe, take you anywhere top or go for it and wear something daring with lots of bold colour or flowers leaving you feeling way overdressed all night at the pub!
Ready to Go
As soon as I shut the front door behind me my inner teenager surfaces and I wheel spin off into the distance to pick up friends en-route to mentally compare outfits, wishing at that moment I’d worn the first top I put on.
It’s follow my leader into the pub where we all proceed in a straight line to the bar. A bit of time is spent deciding who’s having what, settling on what we always have. Leaving one of us to go grab our table.
With individual airtime secured the topic can switch from laughing at totally inappropriate things to becoming knee deep in discussion over whether washing machine descaler really works (this can really divide opinion) so we tend to stick to totally inappropriate things conversations!
Gone are conversations ‘yeah let’s get totally pissed’, ‘what club shall we go to next week’ replaced with ‘shit, do you find your body aches when you get up’, ‘yeah I think I’ve hit the menopause now’ and how everything seems to take longer to recover from.
It takes me all my time not to be a moany old witch and repeatedly drop into conversation how many bottles of wine you can get in Tesco for the price of just one bottle when out.
You’ve been tagged in a post
No night is complete without a selfie and ‘check in’ on Facebook so we can show the world us Mums know how to ‘do nights out’ and what a bloody fun lot we all are.
On the rare occasion, a selfie is forgotten, the horror is real.
So, it’s crucial to post and tag all party members early the following day on Facebook to let everyone know you have a buzzing social life
thanks ladies for last night, had SUCH a laugh
that done you can relax, spending the rest of the day checking Facebook to see who’s ‘liked’ your status, more importantly, who hasnt! making a mental note to return the favour on their next post……..*unfollow*.
- *Favourite Haunt = A place where we can hear each other talk. People of similar age groups frequent.
- *Not pissed on those prices = Unavailable funds to secure getting pissed due to bar prices.
- *Deluded = Believing you can when you can’t.
- *First World Problems for the 40’s+ = when mentally you are acting the teenager but your body is protesting.
- *2nd mortgage = sufficient funds for getting pissed.
- *Light-fingered teenage daughter = Young know-it-all who removes things and never returns them.